Friday, April 17, 2015

coming back to write

havent wrote here in a good while.. havent been sure what to say. or if it mattered.. i want write more, but i get so lost in my thoughts anymore and then everything seems to jumble together and nothing makes sense... there is so much i am trying to grasp with my mental health, so many new things that i dont understand, its so much different dealing with things about me rather then knowing enough and being a support system for someone else.. its so confusing for me right now.. trying to figure out myself, and i know people see that something is bugging me but to ask me whats wrong and want me to answer. i wish i could i just dont have words to explain. im just not sure, i feel lost and overwhelmed. i feel like my head is in this fog, i just want to understand. when i black out i have no idea what happens, unless i am told and sometimes i dont have the option that someone can tell me, like driving home alone and blacking out part way through the drive home, knowing i stopped at the gas station because i had new pack of smokes in the car but dont remember stopping and going in... i just wish i could remember. i know there are things i have blocked out in my life, a lot of things have happened to me, and some i know i dont remember. because i have had certain things come back in dreams, just bits and pieces nothing i can piece together yet. i guess just a lot to process all at once... 

so confused right now... 

sighs

Saturday, December 13, 2014

not sure how i feel

so not sure what my feelings are but i do know, i cant handle any more stress. i dont know how to handle my anxiety being so high, im on the verge of panic attacks all the time now, i cry at everything.. i havent felt this way in a very long time. i really just want the tension and stress and aggravation to stop, i want to feel comfort and peace in the home i live in and i dont feel that hear unless i am in my room with the love of my life, im tired of everyone being so frustrated and when something is wrong everyone goes to vent somewhere besides being able to talk to the person its about... i really am.. i cant take no more, i am done with it. i honestly close to saying take me to the hospital. im so stressed i am losing time. i cant do anything about it and it sucks
i want things back to normal, i want my happy home that people can come enjoy themselves in but that wont happen for a while im sure, i cant do anymore confrontations.... my body trembles all the time from the anxiety, and panic that is just waiting to explode, and then what.. emergency room and psych ward??? it has been 5 years, 5 YEARS!!!! i dont want to start all over, but if i dont have a choice then i guess i dont have a choice, i cant keep getting worse, if i do i end up not being able to be any good for anything or anyone, and i refuse to not be able to be here for my fiance. FUCK THAT!!! i am the one person who will never leave her, yes i made that mistake once, but i will never do that again.. i missed out on a lot of time i could have been with her and been there for her, and i refuse to miss out on anything when it comes to my fiance i should have never left to start with, i wont let anything or anyone push me away again, it wont happen.
i really am randomly typing right now.. my mind is going a million miles an hour in circles and wont stop im nauseous and my headaches are getting horrid again, i am not hungry.. at all. i am not interested in food what so ever, i just cant eat... and i dont care to eat.. but i have because my fiance worries and wants me too.. so i try my best to eat everyday. but im not going to lie its freakin hard as hell... sighs.......

Thursday, September 25, 2014

time.....

finally time to sit back and try to breathe for a while.. been stressed to the max lately and its been making me physically ill.. migraines to the point of just wanting to cry but knowing if i cry from the pain it will only make it worse. throwing up because any little bit of movement i make i am nauseous, body temperature going to low, my temp was 95 before i got it to start going back up to normal. i wish i could handle things better without getting sick like that :( upsets me a lot because when i feel that bad i can not function at all, movement hurts any noise hurts opening my eyes hurts, i cant eat or drink, which means i cant take anything to help my headache go away because the pill and the drink with make my nausea worse and then i will just throw it back up, yesterday i was totally at my breaking point. sick the day before from stress and yesterday was no one's fault but getting stuck sitting 40 minutes away from my house for 5 hours made my anxiety and stress levels go through the roof, so i was emotional as hell and i just couldnt handle anymore, i didnt know how long i was going to sit there so i debated for quite a while about starting to walk home but i knew if it took me 40 minutes to drive there going 60 mph i would never make it home walking, so when i finally got home, i took a nap and felt better when i got up only to get up get on facebook and have a message yelling at me telling me if i have a new dog it goes against hud and blah blah, we didnt get a new dog i commented on an old picture from 4 years ago with a dog we use to have that a friend of mine has now and posted updated pictures... i hate when people dont look at shit, it drives me crazy, so im sure when i called the person that i had an attitude but dam my plate is full enough as it is i dont need to be yelled at for something that isnt even going on, or a dog that i dont have anymore... just aggravated me more... so i am trying to keep my stress down so i will not end up in the hospital, thankfully my doctor called me in some nausea pills that will dissolve under your tongue so i can take of the nausea with out me having to drink something and then end up throwing up.. that way when the nausea goes away enough i can take something to help my head. so now that things are calming down, i am going to be trying to keep stress down and hopefully it will work. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

every once in a while

wouldnt it be nice if every once in a while your day could be stress free and simple? every day seems so filled with daily stressers, or depression, feelings of worthlessness, not feeling important enough for happiness, feeling like a failure. things are very hard, i dont really know why life has to be this way.. arent people suppose to be able to atleast enjoy some of their life? i mean sure there are happy moments and moments where we just put it in the back of our mind and act goofy to make ourselves or our friends/family feel better, but at the end of it all, those daily stressful things are right back in our face! its depressing and frustrating. some people wonder why some of us just dont try anymore with certain things, or dont trust anyone anymore, we hold everything in, we stay in the house and ignore the rest of the world, we would rather have friends online then in person... life sucks, and as i get older, it doesnt seem to get any better. so we sometimes dread the next day or the next week or a month or a year from now, because we dont want to know how much worse things can get or how much worse we can feel. but we dont have a choice, so we push on  and we do the best we can to make through the day. i love my wife to be, and i am happy with her here with me, and that in itself makes me smile, but there are so many stressers in everyday life aside from the one person that makes me want to wake up in the morning. i fight my depression because i know that she wants me here and she needs me, just like she does the same because of me. but life is all about trial and error and sometimes it takes one person longer then the next to figure out how life is going to work for that person to survive and make it through. so there are times we all break down, we want to break stuff or punch things, or cry or hide in our room and just not be apart of the world, but we always need to remember that no matter how hard life is, we will, somehow, make it. and somehow, things will always be ok. things dont always happen the way we want or how we want, but it works out in its own way. i hope that one day life is easier for everyone. i hope we are able to afford things and live more comfortably again at some point but until then we have to be strong and keep pushing to make it through. 

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

stressers in life

there is always something in life that will stress you out, whether it be for a few minutes a few hours a few days or longer. it never ends. life is nothing but a roller coaster of obstacles. today has been very hard, trying to be there for some, and still take care of my own stuff, taking on things that should be easy to deal with turn into much more, but as much as things may stress us out on a daily basis, at the end of the day we are exhausted, wore out, frustrated, angry, sad , maybe depressed, but tomorrow is a new day and time to start over and hope that its better then the last. when you go to sleep at night you leave a lot from that day behind, the feelings you had through that day being one, its your choice to wake up feeling the same way the next day or choosing to be positive that this new day will be better, and hold you head up and keep pushing forward. there are a lot of things everyone wants in life, one being for things to go the way we feel we need or want them to go, but it doesnt always happen that way. i truely believe the obstacles we each go through in life are here for a reason, they happen to teach us something. and if that something wasnt learned the first time, i believe it will eventually repeat itself until we figure out what the lesson was that we were suppose to learn the first time. i do get frustrated and irritated more easily then i use to, maybe i shouldnt i dont know.. i know that there are lessons for me to learn in life as well, but i do know i have learned a lot of things so far in my 30 years. i am learning how to deal with my emotions and my mental health rather then acting on them the wrong way and hurting myself or people around me, i either walk away for a minute to breath, or i talk and get things out, let people know how i am feeling so i can get the support needed to get through things, there has been many times in my life that i have struggled, but i am still here and i am still pushing forward, everytime something tough happens i think i have gotten a little stronger each time. i hope that one day others with mental health stuff going on like i have and deal with daily will also learn to cope and make it through without making a decision that ends up hurting themselves and the people in their life that care about that person. i also hope that one day those family and friends that have someone in their life that has mental health problems will take the time to learn about what is going on with the people they love so they will better understand how to support and help their loved ones instead of getting frustrated and angry. Life is hard but its not bad... life is what you make it. took me a long long time to learn that if i wake up and say its gonna be a shitty day then that is what it always turns out like... the energy you put into things really does make a difference, being positive helps a lot. being negative does nothing but bring everyone down.. but positive mindset and positive attitude can and will change your mindset on life, not right away but as time goes by the more you are positive the more it will change for the better. so hold your head high and no matter how hard life seems... keep pushing forward with that head held high and a positive attitude!!!!! :D now smile cause someone loves you <3

Monday, September 15, 2014

today is a new day!!

we have lots of things were working on and lots of things to figure out, so many questions to ask, so many good things in the making though.. i am so excited, i just hope everything goes smoothly, we are anxious and happy to have these open doors, we cant wait for  the days to come, i love my life all together, through good and bad. my fiance is the most amazing person i have met, thats all for now!! i dont know much else to say, just wanted to share that i am really happy with things that are manifesting in our lives.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

what a day!!!

very very emotional hard day today... wishing everyone could get better from depression and temptations to do things that will hurt them.  alot of people tend to get to a point when they feel no one cares about them.. that their life doesnt matter to anyone, but they arent understanding that isnt reality, it is just what i said... a feeling.. a feeling is something you are entitled to have, but it doesnt mean that the feeling you are having is the truth. there is always someone who cares, there are alot of people in reality that care about each and every person, we arent alone in this world, there is always someone to talk to somewhere on the phone in person or even online, we arent alone in how we feel, there is always someone who can relate, and most of the time can help lift you up out of a hole that you may feel your in, problem is there are many people that dont want to make the step to start making things better in their life.. they think that someone else is going to make them feel better or something else will help them cover up what they feel is wrong in their life, happiness in itself starts with yourself, you have to learn to love yourself and be happy with just yourself before you can be happy with someone else too. everyone in this world is important, so if you are reading this, please know that no matter how you feel... you are always important, you can feel how ever you want to feel, but its just a feeling, someone out there loves you and cares about your wellbeing, dont let life get you down, if you fall... pick yourself up, reach out if you need to, but do something to help yourself feel better, dont do anything that will be harmful...