this year

what a year this is turning out to be. while i have been excited since september about adopting my son. the new year hit and then my father was killed in a fire. trying to talk with family and dad nasty ass husband. i hate that man with a passion. it was stressful trying to come up with the money to pay for dads cremation. and dads husband being rude about only wanting money to go to him to pay for it. the fighting that went on and how him and my aunt made me feel like i was not an important person to my father. my best friend went with me to the funeral so i wouldnt be alone. my mom and sister and aunt drove down from michigan to be there as well. i was stared at by people who had no idea who i was or understood what i was feeling. i am sure that my dads husband had filled their heads with bullshit lies about me. the pastor was awesome made sure to let me know dad loved me and even joined a church choir to sing so he felt closer to me. i wish he would have told me.
before dad died, him and his husband was suppose to move down here in february. i was suppose to be able to help take care of dad. but his husband had another plan. he was stalling coming down here because he knew i would make sure my dad was taken care of the way he should have been this whole time. dads husband lied about how bad dads dementia was. he told the investigators dad only had some signs of dementia. dads dementia was bad. even the hospital last year said he had a year maybe a year and a half before he would have to be placed in a memory care unit. i hated thinking that dad was no longer an independant man. it has been hard not being about to have conversations with dad that made sense.
once the funeral was over angie and i started back home. then march started. i kept getting asked if i was excited that my son would be born soon. to which i answered of course i am. then the questions came asking me why i wasnt smiling and showing i was excited about keegan. problem was not being able to juggle the sadness and depression and anger about my fathers death and everything we knew at that point with being excited and happy about my son going to be making his entrance into this world. well before keegan made his arrival the dam virus started. and then there was a stay at home order. work was crazy busy and my leave of absence started two weeks late. we went to be induces on the 29th of march. because of the virus i couldnt go in until after he was born so then we could be placed in our own room. i waited 30 hours in the parking lot. to which i started freaking out because he was born in the middle of the night and i was made to wait til after noon to be able to finally meet my son.
then we get to april. autopsy report came. somethings were very upsetting. then dads birthday april 17th. when i found out how true it was the dads husband didnt care about anyone but himself. he deleted dads facebook where i posted to my dad to send him messages and pictures even though he cant read it anymore. its just how i talked to him. i sent him pictures of his grandson on there and told him how much i missed him and loved him and how he should be here to hold his grandson.
then my birthday came the next week. on that day i recieved the fire investigators report and there are things i was told by the investigator that wasnt on there and things i read that i didnt know that were very disturbing.
now we are into may. and the place i live i dont even know if its permanent now because the lady who owns the house is having issues getting the mortgage in her name.
im starting back to work on the weekend. and my protection order from my ex ends in a couple weeks. i just am tired. im depressed sometimes i feel a bit lost. i dont know how i should feel sometimes. i am really just needing some normal.
i need some happiness.

so much

there is so much that is bugging me right now. how do you miss someone that abused you. you miss and still love someone who took advantage every chance they got. and was only there with you because they felt sorry for you and they made it absolutely clear that was why. but you miss that person? how? and you would rather miss them then the person who was there and took care of you and loved you. and was there because they loved you and not because they felt sorry for you. i was seriously living a lie for so long and it disgusts me. i am so angry about it. i have my step children and my grandkids in my life and that is all i am thankful for out of my last relationship. but now i could care less to meet someone new to be with ever because maybe they will lie to me for years too and i will end up losing all i have again and hurt like hell and not wanting to go on with life again. 
and how the hell do you get mad that your ex is close to your children and grandchildren? we were together for a long time. and everytime your children needed someone and called you, you pushed them to your ex for your ex to give the support so eventually they just stopped coming to you and started calling me to talk to because they knew i would be there. and guess what? I HAVE BEEN THERE. i have always been there. no matter what you said i would or wouldnt do. no matter how shitty you told them i am. no matter what you said about me. they knew better. 
i am laughing at the point that you want to go back to him. you have fun with that because he is in jail... and for what? oh yeah ummm assault on a female... hmmmm still abusing women. 
you are such a dumbass. i am seriously pissed off that you just wont ever get out of my head. or my heart. thats the worst part. is i actually gave you my heart thinking you would take care of it. i have never been so wrong in my life. i am still searching for all the pieces to put it back together. i really dont ever think i will find them all. so i hope you are happy with yourself. 
you have destroyed me my heart and really hurt me to the core. i really dont think you care at all. i was your way to survive in this world for many years. and i pushed you to get your ssi. so your fucking welcome. god i hate you. 

Dream life

People talk about living the dream. I hear the statement all the time. What is that? Is there ever a point where your just happy?

what do i do now

what do i do now? meaning what do i do when it has been a year and a half since i left my ex and i still hurt? how do i just move on. and is it dumb that i cant just move on even though i am the one who chose to leave. i was the one who tried to make things work and i am the one who had to end things. i had to walk away i had no choice. i really was dying. i wish that she understood that when i told her that it wasnt me trying to hurt her. it was me telling her i was dying because thats how i felt and she didnt seem to care that i was being honest and i mean completely honest with her and she just got mad and started to lash out more. which made me freak out and break down and then i just got in my truck and i left. no warning no packing of clothes. just got in my truck and started driving. i dont even remember the 3 and a half hour drive to my cousins house and i dont remember anything after getting to my cousins house and leaving 3 days later. i know i wasnt eating and i was barely drinking and i was still dying even more. so when i went to get my stuff and then drive back to the mountains. i slept in my truck for 12 days. i didnt eat and i still barely drank. my doctor almost put me in the hospital because of how dehydrated i got. you could see it by how dry my skin was. my ex found her way back here to the mountains and wanted to work things out and wanted to fix things so i agreed. but i wanted to get my own apartment and work on myself and our relationship but i needed space and that wasnt ok. i was accused of being with someone else and that i didnt love her enough. or i wouldnt want or need to get my own place for a while. i wanted us to go to couples therapy but she kept rejecting it. i knew things werent going to be the way they were before. but i hoped that we could make things work. the morning of august 25th 2017 at about 230am i was woke up. she tried to fight with me. she kept saying things knowing that normally i would get aggravated. but i was so tired of the same merry go round with all of it that i just layed there. i was tired. tired of life. i was tired of things never changing. i was tired of not being allowed to do anything like i was some prisoner. she threatened to kill me that morning and that was the last time i was dealing with her. i left a couple hours early for work to get away from the fighting and she kept texting and trying to call me. she eventually told me not to come back and we were done. i called my best friend who i barely got to hang out with. but she always came to my house to save me before i left my life in cullowhee. she would take me to the store and even buy everyone in the house coffee so i could get out of the house and be able to vent and have breathing space. my best friend without hesitation told me to come home. the only way i could respond was to cry more. because i really didnt think that would ever happen. i have never had a friend like this before. she has stuck through everything with me and never gave up on me. she has done way more for me then anyone else in my life has ever done. i never expected her to still be in my life and sometimes i feel like its too good to be true that she is still here being my best friend. claiming me as family. telling people i am her childrens god mother. i love her so much. not just for what she has done to help me but for who she is.
eventually i got a protective order against my ex. and here and there i have still spoke to her. but there was always so much anger and hatred that it never lasted long. i will love her forever. but me and her are not healthy together. we probably never were. but i loved her anyway and i always tried to make things work. it didnt and so 11 years in total is gone and i hate it because i feel like my life is half over and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i gave up everything i thought would be here for my entire life. i wish i could just get passed this all. :'(

closing doors

so many doors have closed and so many new ones opened. the changes have happened so much i feel like sometimes my head is spinning and i am not sure which direction to go. i miss the me that could just go do things and not worry and not panic. i miss the days that i didnt know i had alters so i didnt have to worry about them coming around and doing things that they shouldnt. i worry about how much me having DID stresses my best friend out. she has been there so much for me. she has saved me. and loved and supported me. i wish i could somehow pay her back for all she has done for me. i mean if not for her i would be dead. a year and a half ago i would have been dead. 
i left a relationship. and i thought i lost my grand children and step daughters. when in fact i didnt lose them i was just afraid of what they were going to say and i was afraid that their mother would make them hate me. i started a new job that i worked almost a year. i went from crew up to management within 7 months. i got really stressed and things went downhill at work. i started having a lot of panic attacks. i ended up putting my two weeks notice in and my boss was very unpleasant about things. my doctor pulled me out of work for the rest of my two week notice. i got a new job at walmart and so far i have loved it. i am happier. i feel better. i am enjoying it so far. too much i think sometimes. 
i have a lot of depression still. one thing is that my cousin passed away at the end of november and to suicide. i have been so angry. which i am sure never helped my anxiety, but it really got to me. my depression is like a dangerous roller coaster with no seatbelts. my appetite has been pretty much non existant. this has all been hard. 

Feeling of belonging

What do you do in those moments you feel like you dont belong? I hate it. I have no place. I don't have a permanent place. I have no where that I can just say is my space. It makes me emotional as fuck. But I don't feel like this all the time. Just every now and then. Like right now. And I just want to take my blanket and go sleep in the truck because that is the only place I can say is mine. Sighs. I feel like I'm alone when there are plenty of people in the room. But are they acknowledging me? No. It's like I'm invisible. I hate it. I want to be wanted and needed. I need to feel important but I'm not. Not sure I ever will be and I'm sure I'll feel better or different tomorrow but right now I feel like this. Ugh.

Frustrated

I'm seriously tired of the negative bullshit. Alot is changing at work and nobody likes it. But to come into work and have this fucked up attitude and bring everyone down around you with your shit energy is wrong. This are what you make it . I don't like the changes at work well some of them. But I suck it up and roll with the punches and make the best out of it. And why? Because what else can I do? Should everyday be miserable because things aren't going my way or I think they should be different. And if your so unhappy find another job. Jesus. People we are grown ass adults let's act like it