scream and yell
this is my vent page
Tuesday, May 5, 2020
this year
before dad died, him and his husband was suppose to move down here in february. i was suppose to be able to help take care of dad. but his husband had another plan. he was stalling coming down here because he knew i would make sure my dad was taken care of the way he should have been this whole time. dads husband lied about how bad dads dementia was. he told the investigators dad only had some signs of dementia. dads dementia was bad. even the hospital last year said he had a year maybe a year and a half before he would have to be placed in a memory care unit. i hated thinking that dad was no longer an independant man. it has been hard not being about to have conversations with dad that made sense.
once the funeral was over angie and i started back home. then march started. i kept getting asked if i was excited that my son would be born soon. to which i answered of course i am. then the questions came asking me why i wasnt smiling and showing i was excited about keegan. problem was not being able to juggle the sadness and depression and anger about my fathers death and everything we knew at that point with being excited and happy about my son going to be making his entrance into this world. well before keegan made his arrival the dam virus started. and then there was a stay at home order. work was crazy busy and my leave of absence started two weeks late. we went to be induces on the 29th of march. because of the virus i couldnt go in until after he was born so then we could be placed in our own room. i waited 30 hours in the parking lot. to which i started freaking out because he was born in the middle of the night and i was made to wait til after noon to be able to finally meet my son.
then we get to april. autopsy report came. somethings were very upsetting. then dads birthday april 17th. when i found out how true it was the dads husband didnt care about anyone but himself. he deleted dads facebook where i posted to my dad to send him messages and pictures even though he cant read it anymore. its just how i talked to him. i sent him pictures of his grandson on there and told him how much i missed him and loved him and how he should be here to hold his grandson.
then my birthday came the next week. on that day i recieved the fire investigators report and there are things i was told by the investigator that wasnt on there and things i read that i didnt know that were very disturbing.
now we are into may. and the place i live i dont even know if its permanent now because the lady who owns the house is having issues getting the mortgage in her name.
im starting back to work on the weekend. and my protection order from my ex ends in a couple weeks. i just am tired. im depressed sometimes i feel a bit lost. i dont know how i should feel sometimes. i am really just needing some normal.
i need some happiness.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
so much
and how the hell do you get mad that your ex is close to your children and grandchildren? we were together for a long time. and everytime your children needed someone and called you, you pushed them to your ex for your ex to give the support so eventually they just stopped coming to you and started calling me to talk to because they knew i would be there. and guess what? I HAVE BEEN THERE. i have always been there. no matter what you said i would or wouldnt do. no matter how shitty you told them i am. no matter what you said about me. they knew better.
i am laughing at the point that you want to go back to him. you have fun with that because he is in jail... and for what? oh yeah ummm assault on a female... hmmmm still abusing women.
you are such a dumbass. i am seriously pissed off that you just wont ever get out of my head. or my heart. thats the worst part. is i actually gave you my heart thinking you would take care of it. i have never been so wrong in my life. i am still searching for all the pieces to put it back together. i really dont ever think i will find them all. so i hope you are happy with yourself.
you have destroyed me my heart and really hurt me to the core. i really dont think you care at all. i was your way to survive in this world for many years. and i pushed you to get your ssi. so your fucking welcome. god i hate you.
Monday, January 14, 2019
Dream life
People talk about living the dream. I hear the statement all the time. What is that? Is there ever a point where your just happy?
what do i do now
eventually i got a protective order against my ex. and here and there i have still spoke to her. but there was always so much anger and hatred that it never lasted long. i will love her forever. but me and her are not healthy together. we probably never were. but i loved her anyway and i always tried to make things work. it didnt and so 11 years in total is gone and i hate it because i feel like my life is half over and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i gave up everything i thought would be here for my entire life. i wish i could just get passed this all. :'(
Friday, January 11, 2019
closing doors
i left a relationship. and i thought i lost my grand children and step daughters. when in fact i didnt lose them i was just afraid of what they were going to say and i was afraid that their mother would make them hate me. i started a new job that i worked almost a year. i went from crew up to management within 7 months. i got really stressed and things went downhill at work. i started having a lot of panic attacks. i ended up putting my two weeks notice in and my boss was very unpleasant about things. my doctor pulled me out of work for the rest of my two week notice. i got a new job at walmart and so far i have loved it. i am happier. i feel better. i am enjoying it so far. too much i think sometimes.
i have a lot of depression still. one thing is that my cousin passed away at the end of november and to suicide. i have been so angry. which i am sure never helped my anxiety, but it really got to me. my depression is like a dangerous roller coaster with no seatbelts. my appetite has been pretty much non existant. this has all been hard.
Sunday, October 21, 2018
Feeling of belonging
What do you do in those moments you feel like you dont belong? I hate it. I have no place. I don't have a permanent place. I have no where that I can just say is my space. It makes me emotional as fuck. But I don't feel like this all the time. Just every now and then. Like right now. And I just want to take my blanket and go sleep in the truck because that is the only place I can say is mine. Sighs. I feel like I'm alone when there are plenty of people in the room. But are they acknowledging me? No. It's like I'm invisible. I hate it. I want to be wanted and needed. I need to feel important but I'm not. Not sure I ever will be and I'm sure I'll feel better or different tomorrow but right now I feel like this. Ugh.
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Frustrated
I'm seriously tired of the negative bullshit. Alot is changing at work and nobody likes it. But to come into work and have this fucked up attitude and bring everyone down around you with your shit energy is wrong. This are what you make it . I don't like the changes at work well some of them. But I suck it up and roll with the punches and make the best out of it. And why? Because what else can I do? Should everyday be miserable because things aren't going my way or I think they should be different. And if your so unhappy find another job. Jesus. People we are grown ass adults let's act like it