this year

what a year this is turning out to be. while i have been excited since september about adopting my son. the new year hit and then my father was killed in a fire. trying to talk with family and dad nasty ass husband. i hate that man with a passion. it was stressful trying to come up with the money to pay for dads cremation. and dads husband being rude about only wanting money to go to him to pay for it. the fighting that went on and how him and my aunt made me feel like i was not an important person to my father. my best friend went with me to the funeral so i wouldnt be alone. my mom and sister and aunt drove down from michigan to be there as well. i was stared at by people who had no idea who i was or understood what i was feeling. i am sure that my dads husband had filled their heads with bullshit lies about me. the pastor was awesome made sure to let me know dad loved me and even joined a church choir to sing so he felt closer to me. i wish he would have told me.
before dad died, him and his husband was suppose to move down here in february. i was suppose to be able to help take care of dad. but his husband had another plan. he was stalling coming down here because he knew i would make sure my dad was taken care of the way he should have been this whole time. dads husband lied about how bad dads dementia was. he told the investigators dad only had some signs of dementia. dads dementia was bad. even the hospital last year said he had a year maybe a year and a half before he would have to be placed in a memory care unit. i hated thinking that dad was no longer an independant man. it has been hard not being about to have conversations with dad that made sense.
once the funeral was over angie and i started back home. then march started. i kept getting asked if i was excited that my son would be born soon. to which i answered of course i am. then the questions came asking me why i wasnt smiling and showing i was excited about keegan. problem was not being able to juggle the sadness and depression and anger about my fathers death and everything we knew at that point with being excited and happy about my son going to be making his entrance into this world. well before keegan made his arrival the dam virus started. and then there was a stay at home order. work was crazy busy and my leave of absence started two weeks late. we went to be induces on the 29th of march. because of the virus i couldnt go in until after he was born so then we could be placed in our own room. i waited 30 hours in the parking lot. to which i started freaking out because he was born in the middle of the night and i was made to wait til after noon to be able to finally meet my son.
then we get to april. autopsy report came. somethings were very upsetting. then dads birthday april 17th. when i found out how true it was the dads husband didnt care about anyone but himself. he deleted dads facebook where i posted to my dad to send him messages and pictures even though he cant read it anymore. its just how i talked to him. i sent him pictures of his grandson on there and told him how much i missed him and loved him and how he should be here to hold his grandson.
then my birthday came the next week. on that day i recieved the fire investigators report and there are things i was told by the investigator that wasnt on there and things i read that i didnt know that were very disturbing.
now we are into may. and the place i live i dont even know if its permanent now because the lady who owns the house is having issues getting the mortgage in her name.
im starting back to work on the weekend. and my protection order from my ex ends in a couple weeks. i just am tired. im depressed sometimes i feel a bit lost. i dont know how i should feel sometimes. i am really just needing some normal.
i need some happiness.

so much

there is so much that is bugging me right now. how do you miss someone that abused you. you miss and still love someone who took advantage every chance they got. and was only there with you because they felt sorry for you and they made it absolutely clear that was why. but you miss that person? how? and you would rather miss them then the person who was there and took care of you and loved you. and was there because they loved you and not because they felt sorry for you. i was seriously living a lie for so long and it disgusts me. i am so angry about it. i have my step children and my grandkids in my life and that is all i am thankful for out of my last relationship. but now i could care less to meet someone new to be with ever because maybe they will lie to me for years too and i will end up losing all i have again and hurt like hell and not wanting to go on with life again. 
and how the hell do you get mad that your ex is close to your children and grandchildren? we were together for a long time. and everytime your children needed someone and called you, you pushed them to your ex for your ex to give the support so eventually they just stopped coming to you and started calling me to talk to because they knew i would be there. and guess what? I HAVE BEEN THERE. i have always been there. no matter what you said i would or wouldnt do. no matter how shitty you told them i am. no matter what you said about me. they knew better. 
i am laughing at the point that you want to go back to him. you have fun with that because he is in jail... and for what? oh yeah ummm assault on a female... hmmmm still abusing women. 
you are such a dumbass. i am seriously pissed off that you just wont ever get out of my head. or my heart. thats the worst part. is i actually gave you my heart thinking you would take care of it. i have never been so wrong in my life. i am still searching for all the pieces to put it back together. i really dont ever think i will find them all. so i hope you are happy with yourself. 
you have destroyed me my heart and really hurt me to the core. i really dont think you care at all. i was your way to survive in this world for many years. and i pushed you to get your ssi. so your fucking welcome. god i hate you. 

Dream life

People talk about living the dream. I hear the statement all the time. What is that? Is there ever a point where your just happy?

what do i do now

what do i do now? meaning what do i do when it has been a year and a half since i left my ex and i still hurt? how do i just move on. and is it dumb that i cant just move on even though i am the one who chose to leave. i was the one who tried to make things work and i am the one who had to end things. i had to walk away i had no choice. i really was dying. i wish that she understood that when i told her that it wasnt me trying to hurt her. it was me telling her i was dying because thats how i felt and she didnt seem to care that i was being honest and i mean completely honest with her and she just got mad and started to lash out more. which made me freak out and break down and then i just got in my truck and i left. no warning no packing of clothes. just got in my truck and started driving. i dont even remember the 3 and a half hour drive to my cousins house and i dont remember anything after getting to my cousins house and leaving 3 days later. i know i wasnt eating and i was barely drinking and i was still dying even more. so when i went to get my stuff and then drive back to the mountains. i slept in my truck for 12 days. i didnt eat and i still barely drank. my doctor almost put me in the hospital because of how dehydrated i got. you could see it by how dry my skin was. my ex found her way back here to the mountains and wanted to work things out and wanted to fix things so i agreed. but i wanted to get my own apartment and work on myself and our relationship but i needed space and that wasnt ok. i was accused of being with someone else and that i didnt love her enough. or i wouldnt want or need to get my own place for a while. i wanted us to go to couples therapy but she kept rejecting it. i knew things werent going to be the way they were before. but i hoped that we could make things work. the morning of august 25th 2017 at about 230am i was woke up. she tried to fight with me. she kept saying things knowing that normally i would get aggravated. but i was so tired of the same merry go round with all of it that i just layed there. i was tired. tired of life. i was tired of things never changing. i was tired of not being allowed to do anything like i was some prisoner. she threatened to kill me that morning and that was the last time i was dealing with her. i left a couple hours early for work to get away from the fighting and she kept texting and trying to call me. she eventually told me not to come back and we were done. i called my best friend who i barely got to hang out with. but she always came to my house to save me before i left my life in cullowhee. she would take me to the store and even buy everyone in the house coffee so i could get out of the house and be able to vent and have breathing space. my best friend without hesitation told me to come home. the only way i could respond was to cry more. because i really didnt think that would ever happen. i have never had a friend like this before. she has stuck through everything with me and never gave up on me. she has done way more for me then anyone else in my life has ever done. i never expected her to still be in my life and sometimes i feel like its too good to be true that she is still here being my best friend. claiming me as family. telling people i am her childrens god mother. i love her so much. not just for what she has done to help me but for who she is.
eventually i got a protective order against my ex. and here and there i have still spoke to her. but there was always so much anger and hatred that it never lasted long. i will love her forever. but me and her are not healthy together. we probably never were. but i loved her anyway and i always tried to make things work. it didnt and so 11 years in total is gone and i hate it because i feel like my life is half over and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i gave up everything i thought would be here for my entire life. i wish i could just get passed this all. :'(

closing doors

so many doors have closed and so many new ones opened. the changes have happened so much i feel like sometimes my head is spinning and i am not sure which direction to go. i miss the me that could just go do things and not worry and not panic. i miss the days that i didnt know i had alters so i didnt have to worry about them coming around and doing things that they shouldnt. i worry about how much me having DID stresses my best friend out. she has been there so much for me. she has saved me. and loved and supported me. i wish i could somehow pay her back for all she has done for me. i mean if not for her i would be dead. a year and a half ago i would have been dead. 
i left a relationship. and i thought i lost my grand children and step daughters. when in fact i didnt lose them i was just afraid of what they were going to say and i was afraid that their mother would make them hate me. i started a new job that i worked almost a year. i went from crew up to management within 7 months. i got really stressed and things went downhill at work. i started having a lot of panic attacks. i ended up putting my two weeks notice in and my boss was very unpleasant about things. my doctor pulled me out of work for the rest of my two week notice. i got a new job at walmart and so far i have loved it. i am happier. i feel better. i am enjoying it so far. too much i think sometimes. 
i have a lot of depression still. one thing is that my cousin passed away at the end of november and to suicide. i have been so angry. which i am sure never helped my anxiety, but it really got to me. my depression is like a dangerous roller coaster with no seatbelts. my appetite has been pretty much non existant. this has all been hard. 

Feeling of belonging

What do you do in those moments you feel like you dont belong? I hate it. I have no place. I don't have a permanent place. I have no where that I can just say is my space. It makes me emotional as fuck. But I don't feel like this all the time. Just every now and then. Like right now. And I just want to take my blanket and go sleep in the truck because that is the only place I can say is mine. Sighs. I feel like I'm alone when there are plenty of people in the room. But are they acknowledging me? No. It's like I'm invisible. I hate it. I want to be wanted and needed. I need to feel important but I'm not. Not sure I ever will be and I'm sure I'll feel better or different tomorrow but right now I feel like this. Ugh.

Frustrated

I'm seriously tired of the negative bullshit. Alot is changing at work and nobody likes it. But to come into work and have this fucked up attitude and bring everyone down around you with your shit energy is wrong. This are what you make it . I don't like the changes at work well some of them. But I suck it up and roll with the punches and make the best out of it. And why? Because what else can I do? Should everyday be miserable because things aren't going my way or I think they should be different. And if your so unhappy find another job. Jesus. People we are grown ass adults let's act like it

Feelings

Seriously feel like I take up space. Seriously just need a break. I need to be able to think straight. But who am I kidding. Only myself. I have too many scrambled thoughts. Nothing seems to go right. I'm so tired of trying so hard and feeling like I'm not going anywhere still. I feel like I'm in the way. All the time. I don't have a place where I am just completely comfortable all the time. Stability is lacking in my life. I have stability in my job I think. But that's it. And that seems rocky too alot. I feel like people are nice to my face but I only have one friend. I feel alone. Everybody has their kids or their significant other. Then there is me. No one with no one. I'm just me. Alone and not of importance to people. I am trying so hard to come out on top. But I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I just want to scream sometimes. I don't know what to do or where to go. Sighs I'm lost.......

So the last year has been alot of adjustment. Learning how to live again. Learning how to enjoy things again. Learning how to smile a real smile again. There has been lots of emotions flying lots of ups and downs. I feel like I'm learning myself all over again. I'm living with my best friend. She has been my rock. I couldn't have made it to where I am without her love and support she truly is what defines a best friend. She never gave up on me and never let me down. She has done way more then anyone has ever done for me as a friend. Her kids have helped me too. My god babies. I love them so much. They have given me purpose too. They also wonder where the heck I am if I haven't been home in a while. Was told I was never aloud to leave that I could go for a while but I have to come back. I think the hardest part has been missing my grandsons. And being told I am not their nana anymore. It hurts alot. But my god kids I know will never be ripped from me. 
Life is full of lessons. Obstacles. Twists and turns. It changes when you least expect it. I have been on disability since 2009 and I'm a certified manager at mcdonalds again and working full time. Hope it works so I can stay and maybe eventually be able to get off ssd. But I'm tryin to take things slowly and make sure I can handle it. 
My life has been flipped and twisted in every direction and I can finally say I am in a good place. 

coming back to write

havent wrote here in a good while.. havent been sure what to say. or if it mattered.. i want write more, but i get so lost in my thoughts anymore and then everything seems to jumble together and nothing makes sense... there is so much i am trying to grasp with my mental health, so many new things that i dont understand, its so much different dealing with things about me rather then knowing enough and being a support system for someone else.. its so confusing for me right now.. trying to figure out myself, and i know people see that something is bugging me but to ask me whats wrong and want me to answer. i wish i could i just dont have words to explain. im just not sure, i feel lost and overwhelmed. i feel like my head is in this fog, i just want to understand. when i black out i have no idea what happens, unless i am told and sometimes i dont have the option that someone can tell me, like driving home alone and blacking out part way through the drive home, knowing i stopped at the gas station because i had new pack of smokes in the car but dont remember stopping and going in... i just wish i could remember. i know there are things i have blocked out in my life, a lot of things have happened to me, and some i know i dont remember. because i have had certain things come back in dreams, just bits and pieces nothing i can piece together yet. i guess just a lot to process all at once... 

so confused right now... 

sighs

not sure how i feel

so not sure what my feelings are but i do know, i cant handle any more stress. i dont know how to handle my anxiety being so high, im on the verge of panic attacks all the time now, i cry at everything.. i havent felt this way in a very long time. i really just want the tension and stress and aggravation to stop, i want to feel comfort and peace in the home i live in and i dont feel that hear unless i am in my room with the love of my life, im tired of everyone being so frustrated and when something is wrong everyone goes to vent somewhere besides being able to talk to the person its about... i really am.. i cant take no more, i am done with it. i honestly close to saying take me to the hospital. im so stressed i am losing time. i cant do anything about it and it sucks
i want things back to normal, i want my happy home that people can come enjoy themselves in but that wont happen for a while im sure, i cant do anymore confrontations.... my body trembles all the time from the anxiety, and panic that is just waiting to explode, and then what.. emergency room and psych ward??? it has been 5 years, 5 YEARS!!!! i dont want to start all over, but if i dont have a choice then i guess i dont have a choice, i cant keep getting worse, if i do i end up not being able to be any good for anything or anyone, and i refuse to not be able to be here for my fiance. FUCK THAT!!! i am the one person who will never leave her, yes i made that mistake once, but i will never do that again.. i missed out on a lot of time i could have been with her and been there for her, and i refuse to miss out on anything when it comes to my fiance i should have never left to start with, i wont let anything or anyone push me away again, it wont happen.
i really am randomly typing right now.. my mind is going a million miles an hour in circles and wont stop im nauseous and my headaches are getting horrid again, i am not hungry.. at all. i am not interested in food what so ever, i just cant eat... and i dont care to eat.. but i have because my fiance worries and wants me too.. so i try my best to eat everyday. but im not going to lie its freakin hard as hell... sighs.......

time.....

finally time to sit back and try to breathe for a while.. been stressed to the max lately and its been making me physically ill.. migraines to the point of just wanting to cry but knowing if i cry from the pain it will only make it worse. throwing up because any little bit of movement i make i am nauseous, body temperature going to low, my temp was 95 before i got it to start going back up to normal. i wish i could handle things better without getting sick like that :( upsets me a lot because when i feel that bad i can not function at all, movement hurts any noise hurts opening my eyes hurts, i cant eat or drink, which means i cant take anything to help my headache go away because the pill and the drink with make my nausea worse and then i will just throw it back up, yesterday i was totally at my breaking point. sick the day before from stress and yesterday was no one's fault but getting stuck sitting 40 minutes away from my house for 5 hours made my anxiety and stress levels go through the roof, so i was emotional as hell and i just couldnt handle anymore, i didnt know how long i was going to sit there so i debated for quite a while about starting to walk home but i knew if it took me 40 minutes to drive there going 60 mph i would never make it home walking, so when i finally got home, i took a nap and felt better when i got up only to get up get on facebook and have a message yelling at me telling me if i have a new dog it goes against hud and blah blah, we didnt get a new dog i commented on an old picture from 4 years ago with a dog we use to have that a friend of mine has now and posted updated pictures... i hate when people dont look at shit, it drives me crazy, so im sure when i called the person that i had an attitude but dam my plate is full enough as it is i dont need to be yelled at for something that isnt even going on, or a dog that i dont have anymore... just aggravated me more... so i am trying to keep my stress down so i will not end up in the hospital, thankfully my doctor called me in some nausea pills that will dissolve under your tongue so i can take of the nausea with out me having to drink something and then end up throwing up.. that way when the nausea goes away enough i can take something to help my head. so now that things are calming down, i am going to be trying to keep stress down and hopefully it will work. 

every once in a while

wouldnt it be nice if every once in a while your day could be stress free and simple? every day seems so filled with daily stressers, or depression, feelings of worthlessness, not feeling important enough for happiness, feeling like a failure. things are very hard, i dont really know why life has to be this way.. arent people suppose to be able to atleast enjoy some of their life? i mean sure there are happy moments and moments where we just put it in the back of our mind and act goofy to make ourselves or our friends/family feel better, but at the end of it all, those daily stressful things are right back in our face! its depressing and frustrating. some people wonder why some of us just dont try anymore with certain things, or dont trust anyone anymore, we hold everything in, we stay in the house and ignore the rest of the world, we would rather have friends online then in person... life sucks, and as i get older, it doesnt seem to get any better. so we sometimes dread the next day or the next week or a month or a year from now, because we dont want to know how much worse things can get or how much worse we can feel. but we dont have a choice, so we push on  and we do the best we can to make through the day. i love my wife to be, and i am happy with her here with me, and that in itself makes me smile, but there are so many stressers in everyday life aside from the one person that makes me want to wake up in the morning. i fight my depression because i know that she wants me here and she needs me, just like she does the same because of me. but life is all about trial and error and sometimes it takes one person longer then the next to figure out how life is going to work for that person to survive and make it through. so there are times we all break down, we want to break stuff or punch things, or cry or hide in our room and just not be apart of the world, but we always need to remember that no matter how hard life is, we will, somehow, make it. and somehow, things will always be ok. things dont always happen the way we want or how we want, but it works out in its own way. i hope that one day life is easier for everyone. i hope we are able to afford things and live more comfortably again at some point but until then we have to be strong and keep pushing to make it through. 

stressers in life

there is always something in life that will stress you out, whether it be for a few minutes a few hours a few days or longer. it never ends. life is nothing but a roller coaster of obstacles. today has been very hard, trying to be there for some, and still take care of my own stuff, taking on things that should be easy to deal with turn into much more, but as much as things may stress us out on a daily basis, at the end of the day we are exhausted, wore out, frustrated, angry, sad , maybe depressed, but tomorrow is a new day and time to start over and hope that its better then the last. when you go to sleep at night you leave a lot from that day behind, the feelings you had through that day being one, its your choice to wake up feeling the same way the next day or choosing to be positive that this new day will be better, and hold you head up and keep pushing forward. there are a lot of things everyone wants in life, one being for things to go the way we feel we need or want them to go, but it doesnt always happen that way. i truely believe the obstacles we each go through in life are here for a reason, they happen to teach us something. and if that something wasnt learned the first time, i believe it will eventually repeat itself until we figure out what the lesson was that we were suppose to learn the first time. i do get frustrated and irritated more easily then i use to, maybe i shouldnt i dont know.. i know that there are lessons for me to learn in life as well, but i do know i have learned a lot of things so far in my 30 years. i am learning how to deal with my emotions and my mental health rather then acting on them the wrong way and hurting myself or people around me, i either walk away for a minute to breath, or i talk and get things out, let people know how i am feeling so i can get the support needed to get through things, there has been many times in my life that i have struggled, but i am still here and i am still pushing forward, everytime something tough happens i think i have gotten a little stronger each time. i hope that one day others with mental health stuff going on like i have and deal with daily will also learn to cope and make it through without making a decision that ends up hurting themselves and the people in their life that care about that person. i also hope that one day those family and friends that have someone in their life that has mental health problems will take the time to learn about what is going on with the people they love so they will better understand how to support and help their loved ones instead of getting frustrated and angry. Life is hard but its not bad... life is what you make it. took me a long long time to learn that if i wake up and say its gonna be a shitty day then that is what it always turns out like... the energy you put into things really does make a difference, being positive helps a lot. being negative does nothing but bring everyone down.. but positive mindset and positive attitude can and will change your mindset on life, not right away but as time goes by the more you are positive the more it will change for the better. so hold your head high and no matter how hard life seems... keep pushing forward with that head held high and a positive attitude!!!!! :D now smile cause someone loves you <3

today is a new day!!

we have lots of things were working on and lots of things to figure out, so many questions to ask, so many good things in the making though.. i am so excited, i just hope everything goes smoothly, we are anxious and happy to have these open doors, we cant wait for  the days to come, i love my life all together, through good and bad. my fiance is the most amazing person i have met, thats all for now!! i dont know much else to say, just wanted to share that i am really happy with things that are manifesting in our lives.

what a day!!!

very very emotional hard day today... wishing everyone could get better from depression and temptations to do things that will hurt them.  alot of people tend to get to a point when they feel no one cares about them.. that their life doesnt matter to anyone, but they arent understanding that isnt reality, it is just what i said... a feeling.. a feeling is something you are entitled to have, but it doesnt mean that the feeling you are having is the truth. there is always someone who cares, there are alot of people in reality that care about each and every person, we arent alone in this world, there is always someone to talk to somewhere on the phone in person or even online, we arent alone in how we feel, there is always someone who can relate, and most of the time can help lift you up out of a hole that you may feel your in, problem is there are many people that dont want to make the step to start making things better in their life.. they think that someone else is going to make them feel better or something else will help them cover up what they feel is wrong in their life, happiness in itself starts with yourself, you have to learn to love yourself and be happy with just yourself before you can be happy with someone else too. everyone in this world is important, so if you are reading this, please know that no matter how you feel... you are always important, you can feel how ever you want to feel, but its just a feeling, someone out there loves you and cares about your wellbeing, dont let life get you down, if you fall... pick yourself up, reach out if you need to, but do something to help yourself feel better, dont do anything that will be harmful... 

share your thoughts

what are your thoughts on this video... i believe that he said things very well. we are destroying ourselves. please share your thoughts

trying to get help

http://www.gofundme.com/e79820

the link above is for a gofundme page that i created;. trying to get help for me and my family to get a vehicle. it has been almost a year since we had a car. i need to be able to get my family to doctors appointments and to the store when we need stuff. or if one of the kids needs to be picked up from school and stuff.
so i am not sure it will help to make a blog about it here but i figured it was worth a try

depression

depression is when 
the word suicide seems pretty 
the days seem too long 
and people dont understand 

depression is your own private hell 
a demon that wraps you in a blanket 
of fake security

a grip that wont let go 

depression turns you into
a person you dont know
a person taht hurts themselves
to make sure they are still human

and although i see my blood
my family
my friends
i am living a life of darkness

i beg others
dont do it
dont fall into the demons trap
because it is an endless pit
and you
cant
climb
out

an old poem

in the corner


why do i have to be the girl in the corner? 
the one thats screaming at the top of her lungs and still 
no one hears 
the girl left behind because shes so insignificant to the 
world 
the girl in the corner 
while everyone else is out having fun 
im sitting in the rain... alone... 
i sit and wonder... why i can't end this miserable fate?
why can't it all just be over?
i watch that girl that everyone loves
and i envy her.
people remember and love her... even with all her flaws
they love her
who remembers me?
no one
i am still alone
while i sit and envy that one girl
if i was beautiful like her maybe people would love me too
but i guess im not worth all that much to this world
so now i sit at night and stain my face with tears
wishing i was that girl