closing doors

so many doors have closed and so many new ones opened. the changes have happened so much i feel like sometimes my head is spinning and i am not sure which direction to go. i miss the me that could just go do things and not worry and not panic. i miss the days that i didnt know i had alters so i didnt have to worry about them coming around and doing things that they shouldnt. i worry about how much me having DID stresses my best friend out. she has been there so much for me. she has saved me. and loved and supported me. i wish i could somehow pay her back for all she has done for me. i mean if not for her i would be dead. a year and a half ago i would have been dead. 
i left a relationship. and i thought i lost my grand children and step daughters. when in fact i didnt lose them i was just afraid of what they were going to say and i was afraid that their mother would make them hate me. i started a new job that i worked almost a year. i went from crew up to management within 7 months. i got really stressed and things went downhill at work. i started having a lot of panic attacks. i ended up putting my two weeks notice in and my boss was very unpleasant about things. my doctor pulled me out of work for the rest of my two week notice. i got a new job at walmart and so far i have loved it. i am happier. i feel better. i am enjoying it so far. too much i think sometimes. 
i have a lot of depression still. one thing is that my cousin passed away at the end of november and to suicide. i have been so angry. which i am sure never helped my anxiety, but it really got to me. my depression is like a dangerous roller coaster with no seatbelts. my appetite has been pretty much non existant. this has all been hard. 

Feeling of belonging

What do you do in those moments you feel like you dont belong? I hate it. I have no place. I don't have a permanent place. I have no where that I can just say is my space. It makes me emotional as fuck. But I don't feel like this all the time. Just every now and then. Like right now. And I just want to take my blanket and go sleep in the truck because that is the only place I can say is mine. Sighs. I feel like I'm alone when there are plenty of people in the room. But are they acknowledging me? No. It's like I'm invisible. I hate it. I want to be wanted and needed. I need to feel important but I'm not. Not sure I ever will be and I'm sure I'll feel better or different tomorrow but right now I feel like this. Ugh.

Frustrated

I'm seriously tired of the negative bullshit. Alot is changing at work and nobody likes it. But to come into work and have this fucked up attitude and bring everyone down around you with your shit energy is wrong. This are what you make it . I don't like the changes at work well some of them. But I suck it up and roll with the punches and make the best out of it. And why? Because what else can I do? Should everyday be miserable because things aren't going my way or I think they should be different. And if your so unhappy find another job. Jesus. People we are grown ass adults let's act like it

Feelings

Seriously feel like I take up space. Seriously just need a break. I need to be able to think straight. But who am I kidding. Only myself. I have too many scrambled thoughts. Nothing seems to go right. I'm so tired of trying so hard and feeling like I'm not going anywhere still. I feel like I'm in the way. All the time. I don't have a place where I am just completely comfortable all the time. Stability is lacking in my life. I have stability in my job I think. But that's it. And that seems rocky too alot. I feel like people are nice to my face but I only have one friend. I feel alone. Everybody has their kids or their significant other. Then there is me. No one with no one. I'm just me. Alone and not of importance to people. I am trying so hard to come out on top. But I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I just want to scream sometimes. I don't know what to do or where to go. Sighs I'm lost.......

So the last year has been alot of adjustment. Learning how to live again. Learning how to enjoy things again. Learning how to smile a real smile again. There has been lots of emotions flying lots of ups and downs. I feel like I'm learning myself all over again. I'm living with my best friend. She has been my rock. I couldn't have made it to where I am without her love and support she truly is what defines a best friend. She never gave up on me and never let me down. She has done way more then anyone has ever done for me as a friend. Her kids have helped me too. My god babies. I love them so much. They have given me purpose too. They also wonder where the heck I am if I haven't been home in a while. Was told I was never aloud to leave that I could go for a while but I have to come back. I think the hardest part has been missing my grandsons. And being told I am not their nana anymore. It hurts alot. But my god kids I know will never be ripped from me. 
Life is full of lessons. Obstacles. Twists and turns. It changes when you least expect it. I have been on disability since 2009 and I'm a certified manager at mcdonalds again and working full time. Hope it works so I can stay and maybe eventually be able to get off ssd. But I'm tryin to take things slowly and make sure I can handle it. 
My life has been flipped and twisted in every direction and I can finally say I am in a good place. 

coming back to write

havent wrote here in a good while.. havent been sure what to say. or if it mattered.. i want write more, but i get so lost in my thoughts anymore and then everything seems to jumble together and nothing makes sense... there is so much i am trying to grasp with my mental health, so many new things that i dont understand, its so much different dealing with things about me rather then knowing enough and being a support system for someone else.. its so confusing for me right now.. trying to figure out myself, and i know people see that something is bugging me but to ask me whats wrong and want me to answer. i wish i could i just dont have words to explain. im just not sure, i feel lost and overwhelmed. i feel like my head is in this fog, i just want to understand. when i black out i have no idea what happens, unless i am told and sometimes i dont have the option that someone can tell me, like driving home alone and blacking out part way through the drive home, knowing i stopped at the gas station because i had new pack of smokes in the car but dont remember stopping and going in... i just wish i could remember. i know there are things i have blocked out in my life, a lot of things have happened to me, and some i know i dont remember. because i have had certain things come back in dreams, just bits and pieces nothing i can piece together yet. i guess just a lot to process all at once... 

so confused right now... 

sighs

not sure how i feel

so not sure what my feelings are but i do know, i cant handle any more stress. i dont know how to handle my anxiety being so high, im on the verge of panic attacks all the time now, i cry at everything.. i havent felt this way in a very long time. i really just want the tension and stress and aggravation to stop, i want to feel comfort and peace in the home i live in and i dont feel that hear unless i am in my room with the love of my life, im tired of everyone being so frustrated and when something is wrong everyone goes to vent somewhere besides being able to talk to the person its about... i really am.. i cant take no more, i am done with it. i honestly close to saying take me to the hospital. im so stressed i am losing time. i cant do anything about it and it sucks
i want things back to normal, i want my happy home that people can come enjoy themselves in but that wont happen for a while im sure, i cant do anymore confrontations.... my body trembles all the time from the anxiety, and panic that is just waiting to explode, and then what.. emergency room and psych ward??? it has been 5 years, 5 YEARS!!!! i dont want to start all over, but if i dont have a choice then i guess i dont have a choice, i cant keep getting worse, if i do i end up not being able to be any good for anything or anyone, and i refuse to not be able to be here for my fiance. FUCK THAT!!! i am the one person who will never leave her, yes i made that mistake once, but i will never do that again.. i missed out on a lot of time i could have been with her and been there for her, and i refuse to miss out on anything when it comes to my fiance i should have never left to start with, i wont let anything or anyone push me away again, it wont happen.
i really am randomly typing right now.. my mind is going a million miles an hour in circles and wont stop im nauseous and my headaches are getting horrid again, i am not hungry.. at all. i am not interested in food what so ever, i just cant eat... and i dont care to eat.. but i have because my fiance worries and wants me too.. so i try my best to eat everyday. but im not going to lie its freakin hard as hell... sighs.......