Saturday, December 13, 2014

not sure how i feel

so not sure what my feelings are but i do know, i cant handle any more stress. i dont know how to handle my anxiety being so high, im on the verge of panic attacks all the time now, i cry at everything.. i havent felt this way in a very long time. i really just want the tension and stress and aggravation to stop, i want to feel comfort and peace in the home i live in and i dont feel that hear unless i am in my room with the love of my life, im tired of everyone being so frustrated and when something is wrong everyone goes to vent somewhere besides being able to talk to the person its about... i really am.. i cant take no more, i am done with it. i honestly close to saying take me to the hospital. im so stressed i am losing time. i cant do anything about it and it sucks
i want things back to normal, i want my happy home that people can come enjoy themselves in but that wont happen for a while im sure, i cant do anymore confrontations.... my body trembles all the time from the anxiety, and panic that is just waiting to explode, and then what.. emergency room and psych ward??? it has been 5 years, 5 YEARS!!!! i dont want to start all over, but if i dont have a choice then i guess i dont have a choice, i cant keep getting worse, if i do i end up not being able to be any good for anything or anyone, and i refuse to not be able to be here for my fiance. FUCK THAT!!! i am the one person who will never leave her, yes i made that mistake once, but i will never do that again.. i missed out on a lot of time i could have been with her and been there for her, and i refuse to miss out on anything when it comes to my fiance i should have never left to start with, i wont let anything or anyone push me away again, it wont happen.
i really am randomly typing right now.. my mind is going a million miles an hour in circles and wont stop im nauseous and my headaches are getting horrid again, i am not hungry.. at all. i am not interested in food what so ever, i just cant eat... and i dont care to eat.. but i have because my fiance worries and wants me too.. so i try my best to eat everyday. but im not going to lie its freakin hard as hell... sighs.......