Saturday, August 13, 2011

whats on my mind

so this morning was a good morning me and my baby went to walmart and looked around. i got an outfit for school which starts monday. some hair dye to do my hair and nails, my hair is going to be purple underneath with blond on top. i am so excited. i cant wait. school starts monday and i am nervous but i am hopeful that it will go well and i will meet some nice people and make some friends. i am scared that no one will like me. but i am willing to try. if they dont i will just stick to myself like i am good at when around new people.
i talked to my mom tonight showed her the car i want. hopefully it will be a good one. hopefully its not too far away for me to get it and hopefully they still have it for sale when i get my check.
i am going to miss being home although i do think school is going to be a good thing for me i just am use to being home and i hate going anywhere alone. and that is something i will have to get use to. hopefully it wont be too bad for me.
i have tried to call my dad to tell him about my going to college but no luck on getting ahold of him. not really surprised about it. he usually is too busy for me anyway. i thought maybe he would answer and be happy for me that i am going to school but no luck with that.
so i am enjoying my last weekend out of college before all the homework and stuff starts. god only knows how much homework i will get. i hope its not too much.
hugs to everyone

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

dreams - talk of god - sexual abuse

im so tired of these dreams. i hated texas why does it keep haunting me. its driving me crazy. all the things that happened down there were pure evil. the people in that so called organization were cruel and just plain mean. they wanted to brain wash us and make us people we are not. the so called prayer groups were horrible. this place turned me totally away from god and any church that i would ever even think about going to. i dont like going to churches for help for anything anymore. i dont want to hear about it. it hurts too much. it brings up too many memories.
the so called safe house was in such a horrible place. i would go out to smoke and find shot gun shells all over the place. we were in a womens safe house. so you tell me why was there a guy living with us? very creepy. they hardly ever fed us. i lived on peanut butter sandwiches most the time i lived there. and when it came my turn for them to "pray" for me. i ended up drenched. they drowned me with water until i was in tears. i even got angry and called them all assholes and told them to fuck off and leave me alone. they only said that was a demon talking to them and i needed to quit protecting the demons that lived in me and let them out so they could get rid of them. the girl i stayed with we shared a room. she was nice. but had been in their care for way to long. i felt for her. and wanted to take her with me when i left. her name was kimi. she still resides in texas but did get away from them. she now has a daughter and a husband. i still talk to her. we have become close friends. before we never trusted each other. there was something about her before... i dont know if it was the brain washing that turned me away from her or what there was just something about her i didnt trust. Now she is much different. and i am glad.
One day i was outside smoking walking around trying to get away from all the krap in that house. i was jumped by i think it was like 5  or 6 guys. drug to an apartment and raped by each and every one of them. i thought honestly that they would kill me afterwards. i hate going anywhere alone anymore. and if you didnt understand why before then i hope you  do now. i hate going places alone. it terrifies me. the pain i felt was so bad. i went through abuse with my ex and been raped before but the pain they put me through in texas made me wish i was still getting abused by my ex still because it didnt hurt as bad with him as it did with these guys.
i feel so sick to my stomach right now. thinking about all this has me so upset. i know that it needs to come out. i never talk about how i am feeling. i know i need to but its so hard sometimes. i dont want to show the way i am feeling a lot of times. i hate feeling that i am going to upset someone else. i just want to be free of all this krap. i hate the nightmares. i hate feeling like this. i just want it to go away.
i gotta go.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

thinking again

i am up, alone, and tired but cant seem to get comfortable because of the heartburn and nausea. thought maybe i needed to eat so i ate something. didnt help. so i open my yahoo messanger and to my surprise....Bitch Noel fuckin Lafrancios. calling me fat ass and all. not realizing that i am not fat by choice. i am fat because of health reasons. and at least to my girlfriend and my boyfriend i am beautiful. so what ever the heck you say Noel Lafrancios it doesnt matter to me. it doesnt bother me. go ahead and try to knock me down. you know what? in the end Karma is a bitch and you will pay for all you have said and done that was horrible to people. But you know I am stronger then that... I dont need you to like me or be my friend.. i dont need nice words from you to feel good. i have my family. and i have my Girlfriend and my Boyfriend who treat me wonderfully. you want to know why? Because you get treated how you treat others. and that just tells me that not only did you treat me like shit but you treated many others like shit too. I am happy with my life.... what about you dumb ass. I am so fucking tired of people like you. You should be put in a fucking mental institution where you belong. you are psychotic and stupid. you think putting people down makes you big and bad? really Noel? come on lets be realistic... you know damn well that when people put you down it hurts you... why would you of all people want to make someone else feel bad. well i have to say... nice try.. you really hit something that is a weakness to me.. except you forgot one thing.... you dont mean a fucking thing to me Noel. I could care less if you were in this world or not.  no loss to me. and you know what really makes me angry about you Noel. you have two beautiful children who probably could use their mother in their life. but you are too into have someone around to fuck then getting your children back... people like you make people like me very angry because i cant get pregnant on my own. and i would love to have a child that i could LOVE and SUPPORT and RAISE the way a child should be raised with a mother and a father. but better yet. my child will have two mothers and a father. double the support and wayyyyyyyyy fucking more then you could ever give a child. To me people like you should be the ones that cant give birth. People like you should be fixed and never aloud to adopt or have any babies because you have them then you throw them away like they are nothing. you are useless Noel. you piss me off that you have children and you dont even fight for them.
ok so now that i am totally frustrated.... i should probably go and quit writing. although i would like to really send her that letter. i hate when people can have babies and then they dont love and take care of them like they should. dead beat dads and stupid ass fucking girls who think they are the shit because they had a baby but they cant straighten up and grow up and take care of their responsibilities. Why does things like having a family get taken away from people who would be the best of parents?
i even found out that a friend of mine has a 7 year old son and never knew until two days ago that he even had a son.... that is so upsetting. i know he would be there for his child. if given the chance. but he was never given that chance and now they are wanting him to pay for child support and all the back pay for the 7 years plus prenatal care and all and he is really in the hole now. its ridiculous. stupid girls having babies and not doing the right thing.
then you have stupid boys.... oh boy here i go. lets go get a piece of ass and NOT use any protection and get some girl pregnant and then run away when she comes to you to tell you she is having your baby... your a PUSSY for not taking care of your responsibility. if you pull your pants down and get someone pregnant take care of your responsibility. dont run away like a little scared ass dog with your tail between your legs. BE A MAN, father your child. its not that childs fault you did what you did. you and that babies mom decided to have sex therefore you are both responsible for that child. dont wimp out and run away because you are scared or whatever you are. be a father to that baby or a mother. that baby needs both parents in their lives.
believe me i know. my dad has never stayed in my life for a long period of time. always coming around when it was convenient for him its BULL SHIT. my dad will learn the hard way that i am not sticking around for him to continuously hurt me. i will not stick around for him to be a father of convenience. he will wonder as he grows older what his daughter looks like and how she is doing but will never know because by then all ties will be gone.
i have to go i am getting to angry .

i cried

so last night i had a moment of tears. i get so afraid of losing what i have. the person that means the most to me in this world. i never want to lose her. ever. she is my life. the fact that i might be pregnant with lawrences baby doesnt mean that i dont want to be with her. it means i want her here with me more then ever. it means we can start a family all three of us and a little one and raise it with so much love and support. i never want her to leave. and if she says she will leave if i am pregnant then i will give up the dream of having a baby because its a bigger dream to stay with her for the rest of my life then it is for me to have a baby. she may not think so but its true. i would do anything for patty anything. i would give her the world. thats just how i feel about her. i love her so much it makes me cry sometimes. because i want to express how it makes me feel but there are no words to tell her how much i love her.

i wish

i wish....
everything would start to look up for us.
the van would run and quit having problems.
i could get pregnant or go to school which ever comes first.
we could move and get a place and be happy with no drama and no problems from anyone.
i wasnt so anxious when trying to work...
i could make everyone happy but i just cant

just a few things i wish for. i also wish our luck was better then it was. considering that things start to look up for us then we fall flat on our faces again. we cant seem to win.
im so looking forward to starting school but i really more then anything want to start a family with Patty and Lawrence. i know that if i could give anything to them a child would be one good thing to make them happy. Patty has wanted another child and Lawrence wants to start a family just as much as i do. I so look forward to raising a child with them. I know that together we can raise a child that would obey and listen and be happy and have fun. we would have a beautiful smart child that would have so much support and we would love that child with everything we have. will it ever happen? well with my medical problems i dont know but i am certainly trying my hardest.
school.... well i would be happy going to school... maybe. i cant say for sure.. i hate being away from my home life. i love patty and lawrence with everything in me. i will give them anything i can. i will do anything to make them happy. thats why i like being home. but i also know that being in school and being able to get a decent job would make more much more then disability and i think if i got into something besides fast food i would make it atleast longer then i have in other jobs.
i love spending time with Patty. Lawrence isnt home much with work and his mom not being in good health he is gone quite a bit. but i understand he has to work and that his mom needs him too. i wish his family would understand that we need him too. and only seeing him one day a week is really hard on us and the relationship. i dont care if they dont approve of our relationship we are happy and thats what matters. Lawrence keeps bringing up getting married but i dont know about all that. i really want to marry Patty one day. i want her to be my wife. and i want her to know that i am really going to be here for the long hall. i am never going to leave her again. i was so stupid to leave the first time. i hated leaving the first time. but its what i felt was right. now i know to fight for what and who i love. i love lawrence and i love patty. but if lawrence ever wanted to leave patty he better want to leave me too cause i am never leaving her side again....
i dont say that to put lawrence down because believe me i love lawrence too but my soulmate is patty. we belong together.
i hope that everything i said makes sense because its how i feel.
i know i get depressed a lot about not having a baby like i would like to have. but if i cant get pregnant then i will look into adoption because i know i was meant to be a mother if not to my own blood than a little one that needs a loving family will have one. because i will be there real quick to adopt that special little child because there are many babies and toddlers and even teenagers that need a loving caring home with parents that want to be there for them.
well i think i have said enough. i love you Patty and I love you Lawrence. i will talk to you all more later.
hugs to all who read this!

Monday, August 8, 2011


well i have been nauseated and having major heartburn on and off for 4 days now. no period last month either. pregnant? maybe. i find out on wednesday. so i am trying to have a little fun tonight and hang out with my baby watching movies together and stuff. but i feel like krap. had a really weird dream when taking my nap. she woke me up in the middle of it. so glad she did.
for those of you that dont know i am suppose to be starting college in a week. but the van isnt running and if i am pregnant i wont be going... i dont want to be part way through school and pregnant and then go into labor and not be able to finish my schooling.
i hope that tomorrow will be a productive day as i am going to get my power steering pump for the van and have that takin care of. i am going to try to put it back together myself. i am not sure how far that will go but i have to try.
anyways i will go for now. just wanted to check in.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


feeling a bit depressed.... maybe having a bit of a pity party but feeling like crawling in a hole tonight. i just wish i felt important... i wish people wanted to call me! why cant i be happy with what i have? i have a wonderful girlfriend and a great boyfriend. we are doing everything to stay above water and stay happy but it seems everytime we start to get somewhere it just blows up in our faces again.... i am soooo tired of trying especially with that van. i know i know she wants to keep her van and i understand its hers and she loves her van even though its old... i get that i was the same way when i had my own vehicle. i just dont know how much longer i can stay calm with college right around the corner and not having reliable transportation. i need to be at school. i dont want to to miss school. i havent even started yet but its my life were talking about here. and i dont want to be flipping burgers everytime i go look for a job. i need something to do that i enjoy and that i can handle. no more fast pace krap 30 seconds to get this done 30 seconds to get that done. a million people in line frustrated and cant wait a fricken minute for their food. what do they think i am a dam robot? i dont think so. yes it makes me angry. if you cant be patient then make it yourself. god dont stand there giving people the evil eye and expect us to be all cheery and happy back at you. but we have to be.... why? because its our job to work like a dog and then deal with the abuse from the customers. and i am not saying they are all like that but a lot of them are. i just know i need something a little less stressful. i need something a little slower and little cleaner. and i need people to be ok and patient and know that i care about what i am doing and that i care about them as a customer and that they need to be a little respectful back. i swear when people walk into a fast food joint they are completely different people then they are everywhere else. i watch them turn from kind people into impatient jerks sometimes.
anyways..... i really want things in my life to turn around. i love my girlfriend and i love my boyfriend and i wouldnt change that for anything. but when i say i want to feel important i am talking about people who say they are my friends. i never hear from many of them. they dont talk to me hardly ever and when i come to michigan to visit they say they will come by to say hi or meet me somewhere and never show up or call. it just makes me feel like a piece of dirt. i want to feel important dang it. i hate feeling like dirt on the bottom of someones shoes. anyways i will stop writing now.

Friday, August 5, 2011


well i have been up all night... now its 750am i am thinking that around 11am i will call the animal shelter and see if they need any volunteers today... i cant wait to be around all those little animals and show them the love and care they deserve.

i am also hoping to be able to go shopping for some school stuff this weekend. i really want to have some nice clothes so i can look ok for college. time is getting short school starts on the 17th of this month. i am nervous and excited all at the same time. although i have to do the boring classes first semester. then i get to start doing the fun stuff working on learning new hair styles and cuts and stuff. i cant wait for the hands on stuff. it will be so much fun and finally doing something i enjoy doing. no more fast food. no more krap. finally get a job with a few people doing something i love doing and something i have done for a long time..

i dont know for sure if we are actually moving to michigan in spring or not. but we have been talking about it alot. and if we do.... when i am done with school my mom says that i have a guarenteed job at great clips! OMG i cant believe i will be doing something less stressful. maybe it will be something i can handle part time so i can make a little extra money.

i love my girlfriend and i love my boyfriend. they are the best to me. i wish i could show them how much they truly mean to me. but there is no words to tell them how much i love them.


Thursday, August 4, 2011


so my health isnt the greatest i suffer from PCOS and possibly going through early menapause. its really scary i am 27 with no kids and i guess i am not suppose to have kids, or this wouldnt be happening to me. 
i suffer from bipolar 1 i have anxiety disorder that makes it hard for me to deal with a lot of people. i cant hold down a job. and i have a hard time going out sometimes. sometimes just a small confrontation will set off my anxiety. its really hard. 
i have problems with passing out... and they cant figure out whats causing it... that also makes it dangerous for me to work in the food buisness i have been working in for a long time now.