not sure how i feel

so not sure what my feelings are but i do know, i cant handle any more stress. i dont know how to handle my anxiety being so high, im on the verge of panic attacks all the time now, i cry at everything.. i havent felt this way in a very long time. i really just want the tension and stress and aggravation to stop, i want to feel comfort and peace in the home i live in and i dont feel that hear unless i am in my room with the love of my life, im tired of everyone being so frustrated and when something is wrong everyone goes to vent somewhere besides being able to talk to the person its about... i really am.. i cant take no more, i am done with it. i honestly close to saying take me to the hospital. im so stressed i am losing time. i cant do anything about it and it sucks
i want things back to normal, i want my happy home that people can come enjoy themselves in but that wont happen for a while im sure, i cant do anymore confrontations.... my body trembles all the time from the anxiety, and panic that is just waiting to explode, and then what.. emergency room and psych ward??? it has been 5 years, 5 YEARS!!!! i dont want to start all over, but if i dont have a choice then i guess i dont have a choice, i cant keep getting worse, if i do i end up not being able to be any good for anything or anyone, and i refuse to not be able to be here for my fiance. FUCK THAT!!! i am the one person who will never leave her, yes i made that mistake once, but i will never do that again.. i missed out on a lot of time i could have been with her and been there for her, and i refuse to miss out on anything when it comes to my fiance i should have never left to start with, i wont let anything or anyone push me away again, it wont happen.
i really am randomly typing right now.. my mind is going a million miles an hour in circles and wont stop im nauseous and my headaches are getting horrid again, i am not hungry.. at all. i am not interested in food what so ever, i just cant eat... and i dont care to eat.. but i have because my fiance worries and wants me too.. so i try my best to eat everyday. but im not going to lie its freakin hard as hell... sighs.......

time.....

finally time to sit back and try to breathe for a while.. been stressed to the max lately and its been making me physically ill.. migraines to the point of just wanting to cry but knowing if i cry from the pain it will only make it worse. throwing up because any little bit of movement i make i am nauseous, body temperature going to low, my temp was 95 before i got it to start going back up to normal. i wish i could handle things better without getting sick like that :( upsets me a lot because when i feel that bad i can not function at all, movement hurts any noise hurts opening my eyes hurts, i cant eat or drink, which means i cant take anything to help my headache go away because the pill and the drink with make my nausea worse and then i will just throw it back up, yesterday i was totally at my breaking point. sick the day before from stress and yesterday was no one's fault but getting stuck sitting 40 minutes away from my house for 5 hours made my anxiety and stress levels go through the roof, so i was emotional as hell and i just couldnt handle anymore, i didnt know how long i was going to sit there so i debated for quite a while about starting to walk home but i knew if it took me 40 minutes to drive there going 60 mph i would never make it home walking, so when i finally got home, i took a nap and felt better when i got up only to get up get on facebook and have a message yelling at me telling me if i have a new dog it goes against hud and blah blah, we didnt get a new dog i commented on an old picture from 4 years ago with a dog we use to have that a friend of mine has now and posted updated pictures... i hate when people dont look at shit, it drives me crazy, so im sure when i called the person that i had an attitude but dam my plate is full enough as it is i dont need to be yelled at for something that isnt even going on, or a dog that i dont have anymore... just aggravated me more... so i am trying to keep my stress down so i will not end up in the hospital, thankfully my doctor called me in some nausea pills that will dissolve under your tongue so i can take of the nausea with out me having to drink something and then end up throwing up.. that way when the nausea goes away enough i can take something to help my head. so now that things are calming down, i am going to be trying to keep stress down and hopefully it will work. 

every once in a while

wouldnt it be nice if every once in a while your day could be stress free and simple? every day seems so filled with daily stressers, or depression, feelings of worthlessness, not feeling important enough for happiness, feeling like a failure. things are very hard, i dont really know why life has to be this way.. arent people suppose to be able to atleast enjoy some of their life? i mean sure there are happy moments and moments where we just put it in the back of our mind and act goofy to make ourselves or our friends/family feel better, but at the end of it all, those daily stressful things are right back in our face! its depressing and frustrating. some people wonder why some of us just dont try anymore with certain things, or dont trust anyone anymore, we hold everything in, we stay in the house and ignore the rest of the world, we would rather have friends online then in person... life sucks, and as i get older, it doesnt seem to get any better. so we sometimes dread the next day or the next week or a month or a year from now, because we dont want to know how much worse things can get or how much worse we can feel. but we dont have a choice, so we push on  and we do the best we can to make through the day. i love my wife to be, and i am happy with her here with me, and that in itself makes me smile, but there are so many stressers in everyday life aside from the one person that makes me want to wake up in the morning. i fight my depression because i know that she wants me here and she needs me, just like she does the same because of me. but life is all about trial and error and sometimes it takes one person longer then the next to figure out how life is going to work for that person to survive and make it through. so there are times we all break down, we want to break stuff or punch things, or cry or hide in our room and just not be apart of the world, but we always need to remember that no matter how hard life is, we will, somehow, make it. and somehow, things will always be ok. things dont always happen the way we want or how we want, but it works out in its own way. i hope that one day life is easier for everyone. i hope we are able to afford things and live more comfortably again at some point but until then we have to be strong and keep pushing to make it through. 

stressers in life

there is always something in life that will stress you out, whether it be for a few minutes a few hours a few days or longer. it never ends. life is nothing but a roller coaster of obstacles. today has been very hard, trying to be there for some, and still take care of my own stuff, taking on things that should be easy to deal with turn into much more, but as much as things may stress us out on a daily basis, at the end of the day we are exhausted, wore out, frustrated, angry, sad , maybe depressed, but tomorrow is a new day and time to start over and hope that its better then the last. when you go to sleep at night you leave a lot from that day behind, the feelings you had through that day being one, its your choice to wake up feeling the same way the next day or choosing to be positive that this new day will be better, and hold you head up and keep pushing forward. there are a lot of things everyone wants in life, one being for things to go the way we feel we need or want them to go, but it doesnt always happen that way. i truely believe the obstacles we each go through in life are here for a reason, they happen to teach us something. and if that something wasnt learned the first time, i believe it will eventually repeat itself until we figure out what the lesson was that we were suppose to learn the first time. i do get frustrated and irritated more easily then i use to, maybe i shouldnt i dont know.. i know that there are lessons for me to learn in life as well, but i do know i have learned a lot of things so far in my 30 years. i am learning how to deal with my emotions and my mental health rather then acting on them the wrong way and hurting myself or people around me, i either walk away for a minute to breath, or i talk and get things out, let people know how i am feeling so i can get the support needed to get through things, there has been many times in my life that i have struggled, but i am still here and i am still pushing forward, everytime something tough happens i think i have gotten a little stronger each time. i hope that one day others with mental health stuff going on like i have and deal with daily will also learn to cope and make it through without making a decision that ends up hurting themselves and the people in their life that care about that person. i also hope that one day those family and friends that have someone in their life that has mental health problems will take the time to learn about what is going on with the people they love so they will better understand how to support and help their loved ones instead of getting frustrated and angry. Life is hard but its not bad... life is what you make it. took me a long long time to learn that if i wake up and say its gonna be a shitty day then that is what it always turns out like... the energy you put into things really does make a difference, being positive helps a lot. being negative does nothing but bring everyone down.. but positive mindset and positive attitude can and will change your mindset on life, not right away but as time goes by the more you are positive the more it will change for the better. so hold your head high and no matter how hard life seems... keep pushing forward with that head held high and a positive attitude!!!!! :D now smile cause someone loves you <3

today is a new day!!

we have lots of things were working on and lots of things to figure out, so many questions to ask, so many good things in the making though.. i am so excited, i just hope everything goes smoothly, we are anxious and happy to have these open doors, we cant wait for  the days to come, i love my life all together, through good and bad. my fiance is the most amazing person i have met, thats all for now!! i dont know much else to say, just wanted to share that i am really happy with things that are manifesting in our lives.

what a day!!!

very very emotional hard day today... wishing everyone could get better from depression and temptations to do things that will hurt them.  alot of people tend to get to a point when they feel no one cares about them.. that their life doesnt matter to anyone, but they arent understanding that isnt reality, it is just what i said... a feeling.. a feeling is something you are entitled to have, but it doesnt mean that the feeling you are having is the truth. there is always someone who cares, there are alot of people in reality that care about each and every person, we arent alone in this world, there is always someone to talk to somewhere on the phone in person or even online, we arent alone in how we feel, there is always someone who can relate, and most of the time can help lift you up out of a hole that you may feel your in, problem is there are many people that dont want to make the step to start making things better in their life.. they think that someone else is going to make them feel better or something else will help them cover up what they feel is wrong in their life, happiness in itself starts with yourself, you have to learn to love yourself and be happy with just yourself before you can be happy with someone else too. everyone in this world is important, so if you are reading this, please know that no matter how you feel... you are always important, you can feel how ever you want to feel, but its just a feeling, someone out there loves you and cares about your wellbeing, dont let life get you down, if you fall... pick yourself up, reach out if you need to, but do something to help yourself feel better, dont do anything that will be harmful... 

share your thoughts

what are your thoughts on this video... i believe that he said things very well. we are destroying ourselves. please share your thoughts

trying to get help

http://www.gofundme.com/e79820

the link above is for a gofundme page that i created;. trying to get help for me and my family to get a vehicle. it has been almost a year since we had a car. i need to be able to get my family to doctors appointments and to the store when we need stuff. or if one of the kids needs to be picked up from school and stuff.
so i am not sure it will help to make a blog about it here but i figured it was worth a try

depression

depression is when 
the word suicide seems pretty 
the days seem too long 
and people dont understand 

depression is your own private hell 
a demon that wraps you in a blanket 
of fake security

a grip that wont let go 

depression turns you into
a person you dont know
a person taht hurts themselves
to make sure they are still human

and although i see my blood
my family
my friends
i am living a life of darkness

i beg others
dont do it
dont fall into the demons trap
because it is an endless pit
and you
cant
climb
out

an old poem

in the corner


why do i have to be the girl in the corner? 
the one thats screaming at the top of her lungs and still 
no one hears 
the girl left behind because shes so insignificant to the 
world 
the girl in the corner 
while everyone else is out having fun 
im sitting in the rain... alone... 
i sit and wonder... why i can't end this miserable fate?
why can't it all just be over?
i watch that girl that everyone loves
and i envy her.
people remember and love her... even with all her flaws
they love her
who remembers me?
no one
i am still alone
while i sit and envy that one girl
if i was beautiful like her maybe people would love me too
but i guess im not worth all that much to this world
so now i sit at night and stain my face with tears
wishing i was that girl

taking things for granted....

how many people take things for granted??? its easy to not be thankful for things when you have them and use them everyday... be it, hot water or even toilet paper... what about having a car? or having a roof over your head? or what about access to take a shower when ever you want one, or a way to wash your clothes, how about ways to cook your food?? how many take these things for granted? i know there are a lot of people. we lived without a lot of things before and we learned not to take things for granted. we learned to not take anything for granted.. because as quick as you get things they can be taken away,  be greatful for the things you have oh and the people you have in your life that are good to you and help you and want to be there.. be thankful for their love and dont take them for granted either because just as easily as they walk in your life they can turn right around and walk right back out...

is it time yet?

ugh waiting sucks lol.. i am so ready to see you walking down the isle towards me and we can say i do.. i love you so much its driving me crazy that the same sex marriage legalization is taking so long. i want to spend the rest of my life with you, and i will regardless of getting married but i want to marry you if they legalize marriage for us, i want to have a wedding and share with all our friends and family and even everyone we dont know how much i love you and how happy you make me. i cant wait to sing to you on our wedding day, i dont know exactly what our future holds exept that we are together and making great memories and loving each other more and more every day.. 

you are amazing patty, i have made a lot of mistakes over the years, but i can guarentee this, i will never make the mistake of leaving you again, it hurt so bad not having you around, i missed curling up to you when i was away from you, our wedding day just needs to get here, because sharing how i feel about you in front of the entire world is what i want to do, 

i love you with all my heart 

and i am always here. 

muah 

so....

how is one suppose to feel when you tell someone over and over again, we are here if you need to talk, they dont talk to you still but then tell someone else they have no one to talk to. i guess we are just chopped liver.. eh.. we tried, not pushing that issue anymore, it will be ok, dont worry about it, we just feel like shit because we are here and have said we are here but apparently we are invisible and our words mean jack shit.

a little frustrated

i wish life didnt revolve around money, but mostly i wish that people wouldnt take things for granted... life is not easy and its not getting an easier.. so we dont have money to go spend and waste but atleast we have a roof over our head and oh wait air conditioning.. which many people who cant afford things dont have.. internet to talk to people or write in a blog like this one.. we have cable to watch tv on but you know we dont live in a beautiful home and we dont have a car, so things are a little harder, i hate that there are labels out there for everything.. POOR, please define poor but a lot of people say they are poor and they are able to buy things that are not necessities... cigarettes are a want not a need, cable and internet are wants not needs, air conditioning you can live with out, but we have it, i understand the stress and frustration about money being tight and WANTING to go and do things and what not, believe me if anyone knows its me.  but shit doesnt happen over night, we are picking pieces up right now. we are getting to a place where we are more comfortable but we are not poor and things will continue to get better, how do i know this??? because at the beginning of october we will have one less bill, oh well none of that matters!!!

my beautiful baby

i love you baby so much, i have so many dreams for us for the future... so many things i want us to do together, so many places i want us to go together, i cant imagine anything about my life without you by my side.. you are my heart, i look forward to growing old with you, but i dont want life to go to fast i  want us to last as long as possible..... i love you baby, never forget that, through fights and all, i love you, i hate going anywhere without you because i always miss you so much when i am gone... i love waking up to you next to me and kissing you before we go to sleep, i love when you grab me and just pull me to you because you want a hug or a kiss... i just love everything about you...  you are my beautiful wife to be and i cant wait to share your last name <3

today

rough day...so much on my mind. so many thoughts at once.. one minute my head is spinning and next thing i feel like i am watching myself from across the room again... i hate this disconnected feeling.. i hate feeling like i am watching a movie of myself. and i cant control what is going on.. its hard to feel ok when this happens. so much i shouldnt be thinking about.. so much stress that i feel that i cant stop. i want things to be calm and peaceful in my head again.. this is crazy. my dreams are crazy. or im disconnected enough that even though i am sleeping i am also sitting on the end of the bed watching myself sleep. my dreams are all these flash backs. of all the abuse..or fears of certain people who have threatened or i think have wanted to hurt me.. or they are dreams about me going in to self destruction anyways all my dreams lately consist of is blood, my blood. its a horror movie of my own death over and over and over again.. i am beginning to hate sleep. i dont like watching myself die.. so counseling today went ok i guess. accept she thinks i need to come in and see her more so i have another appointment next week too and she says i will be getting a phone call sometime in between to check on me. i really wish mental health disorders would just disappear.. i am tired of dealing with them. i am also tired of coming across people who dont understand and dont want to take the time to understand but instead judge you and think because i dont look like a disabled person i should suck it up and get a job.. my question to these types of people is what exactly does a disabled person look like in there eyes? is it just someone who is blind or cant walk? or someone without legs or arms?? yes those people as well have disabilities but just because you cant look at me and see that i am disabled doesnt mean shit.. if you havent been around me and you dont know me at all what gives you the right to say a fuckin thing about me needing to suck it up.. apparently depression and anxiety and panic attacks are just that easy in their eyes to just get over.. well lucky them that they havent had to personally deal with it.. until they know what it feels like to go through shit that us mental health clients go through... i dont want to talk to them.. i wont try to make people like that understand because its pointless.
i do what i can to learn to cope better and deal with things.. and luckily i have an awesome woman by my side to help me through. but sometimes things just dont stay on the good side with my depression.. sometimes i fall on my face. sometimes i fall so far down it takes a while to climb out. i hate these feelings.. does anyone even understand how much i miss being able to work without fear of having a nervous breakdown or panic attack at work??? cause it has happened to me, and i am terrified of that happening again... sometimes i put my self down... because i feel like i should be stronger..but i try and try to over come everything.. its just not working.. dealing with the public is very very hard for me and it just keeps getting worse..i swear my anxiety just gets worse and worse.  

sighs

depression and horrible thoughts.

so its been about 5 years since my last hospital stay. depression and suicidal thoughts have left my brain for a long time. and now all of a sudden they have snuck back in.. i wont give in like i have in the past. i have to much to live for. i have people in my life who i know would be very upset if i wasnt here anymore. my wife to be especially would miss me and be very angry as well if i just left her here. i would never want to do that.. i got mad at myself when i realized something i said and realize that i need to address things before it gets any worse. im glad i am around people who understand mental health more then in my past. i wish there was a cure for mental health disorders. i hate that i can have this long period where i am ok other than my anxiety and then bam suicidal thoughts hit me like a brick. and when that happens all i feel like doing is screaming at these thoughts to go away but that doesnt work. i have also felt like isolating alot lately. but i have made myself stay around everyone and try to ignore that feeling.. i know if i give in to that i will only get worse. i havent remembered meds in so long i dont remember when the last time i took them was. i know i need them.. but sometimes i just dont care to take them or i dont remember or i remember for aminute and then i forget all over again because i get distracted with something else.. i am so scatter brained. my dreams are the worst. if i am not being hurt by someone else in my dreams i am hurting myself lately.. my dreams are nothing but blood and gore and the only persons that is bleeding is me. its hard to wake up and pretend i am ok with that happening. but i try. i dont want to sit and talk about those dreams and those kind of things when i am awake because i know it will just bring me down more.. so i sit here at mental health waiting for my appointment with my counselor and i try not to cry because for some reason my emotions are going crazy and i keep wanting to cry but i am fighting it back..
you know i think the ice bucket challenge for ALS is great but why cant we somehow do a challenge for mental health awareness? so many people suffer with mental health disorders its crazy.. i think it would be great to raise awareness and educate others that dont know much or dont understand mental health stuff. if people that dont have mental health issues could understand some of these disorders it would make things a little easier on us that do suffer because then we would have people that somewhat can understand and not just tell us to get over it or suck it up..
i also think that there should be something for bullying. how  many students have or have wanted to or have tried to kill themselves because of bullies at school that pick on them or make them feel like they dont belong and stuff. how many kids have or have wanted to end their life because it just keeps happening and some schools or other places it happens arent taking stuff like this seriously? no kid should feel that way. i went through it. a lot of my friends went through it. my grandson sam has dealt with bullies choking him on the bus or giving him problems in school and then teachers didnt want to listen to him when he tried to tell them.. i have grandkids with my fiance, and i dont want to see them do something to hurt themselves because of bullying in the schools.
i have so many ideas for things for bring awareness out about stuff. but where do i start? and how do i get started?

missing you, loving you so much

i miss you so much through the day, i know you need your sleep and i am glad you are getting  rest, but i just miss you, i miss talking to you and seeing your beautiful smile. i know i will see you when you wake up but right now you are sleeping lol i love you so much, maybe i am greedy and want every second with you. but its only because i love you so much, right now i am not at home and all i can do is sit here and wonder if you will wake up before i get home and i will miss that first morning hug when you come out to the living room. you are my everything, my all. i always want to be with you and have fun with you or sit and talk about whatever serious or silly or crazy things we decide to focus on at that moment. i cant wait to buy a house with you, which will hopefully be sooner then later, i cant wait to marry you, and share your last name. all these things i cant for because i am so excited for us to be spending our lives together, i know i have been stressed out lately and somewhat depressed, but i am really working on it. i wont let it win with me. its been too long that i have been doing so good to let myself fall again. and i know that you will support me and be here for me to get through it too. i cant express enough that you patty have brought out so much good in me. so we have had our fights and right now we struggle with things here and there, but through it all i believe our love for one another is strong enough to kick any struggle in the ass. which makes me happy. any one i have been with in the past i always when i am with someone i think about and try to imagine spending my entire life with, none of them i could ever imagine being with that long.. you... well you i cant imagine living my life without you in it.. i need you by my side. i need to feel your love, i need those moments you hold me or roll over in bed and see me sitting up and you rub my back and ask if i am ok.. i need all those things. you make me feel important. you make me feel needed and wanted and special.. something no one else has ever done.
i cant wait til our wedding day, i am going to sing to you at our wedding. and i cant wait to invite tons of people so i can express my love for you in front of them all, i would tell the whole world if i could, because you make me feel like i have never felt before. thank you for bring me happiness and always knowing how to make me feel so special.
love you baby so much.

make it stop spinning

didnt realize it but i guess my depression is sneaking up on me  alot lately. i have said cerain things and thought way to much about things i dont need to think about.. im stressed out and i want things to calm down but there not or so it seems. im so overwhelmed lately, i have no desire to do anything, i want to hide in my room and just be with my fiance and forget about the rest of the world right now.. i am so lost in why i feel this way. im tired of being stuck in this house, i cant take her anywhere. we dont get to go enjoy ourselves outside of this house, and i really think its taking a toll on me. there is so much i want to say and talk about but no words are coming to mind, i dont know how to explains a lot of my feelings and thoughts. the feeling of being disconnected again is slowly coming in. its messed up when you feel like you are watching yourself do all this stuff like seeing my self sitting in my chair and watching myself type this blog right now.. its a weird feeling. i just feel so blah lately, it sucks because there are so many things i would like to do with my fiance, but i just feel like shit all the time. im tired all the time and i dont sleep good anymore, my dreams are stupid and ridiculous and it drives me crazy, but i try to not talk about all the craziness when i am sleeping. even though... at times it scares the hell out of me.
i dont really understand why my ex's are still in my brain.. i am not talking about my recent ex. i am talking about a few ex's a long time ago. why wont they stay away? they need to leave me alone, i dont think about them, or i try not to, i hate flashbacks and reliving stuff that hurt so bad,
i dont even know what to say now, i am now at a loss for words
good night

we are connected now :D

so glad me and my beautiful fiance can do so much together, i love being with her, and i cant wait til they legalize same sex marriage so we can say i do. i do know its just a piece of paper but i really want to do this.. i hope that i can make my fiance happy for many many many years to come.. all i want is to grow old with her. be here to take care of her. make sure she is ok and has what she needs, as well as things she wants. i love you patricia with my whole butt... i would say heart but my butt is bigger lol love you baby

hi

I love you!