today

rough day...so much on my mind. so many thoughts at once.. one minute my head is spinning and next thing i feel like i am watching myself from across the room again... i hate this disconnected feeling.. i hate feeling like i am watching a movie of myself. and i cant control what is going on.. its hard to feel ok when this happens. so much i shouldnt be thinking about.. so much stress that i feel that i cant stop. i want things to be calm and peaceful in my head again.. this is crazy. my dreams are crazy. or im disconnected enough that even though i am sleeping i am also sitting on the end of the bed watching myself sleep. my dreams are all these flash backs. of all the abuse..or fears of certain people who have threatened or i think have wanted to hurt me.. or they are dreams about me going in to self destruction anyways all my dreams lately consist of is blood, my blood. its a horror movie of my own death over and over and over again.. i am beginning to hate sleep. i dont like watching myself die.. so counseling today went ok i guess. accept she thinks i need to come in and see her more so i have another appointment next week too and she says i will be getting a phone call sometime in between to check on me. i really wish mental health disorders would just disappear.. i am tired of dealing with them. i am also tired of coming across people who dont understand and dont want to take the time to understand but instead judge you and think because i dont look like a disabled person i should suck it up and get a job.. my question to these types of people is what exactly does a disabled person look like in there eyes? is it just someone who is blind or cant walk? or someone without legs or arms?? yes those people as well have disabilities but just because you cant look at me and see that i am disabled doesnt mean shit.. if you havent been around me and you dont know me at all what gives you the right to say a fuckin thing about me needing to suck it up.. apparently depression and anxiety and panic attacks are just that easy in their eyes to just get over.. well lucky them that they havent had to personally deal with it.. until they know what it feels like to go through shit that us mental health clients go through... i dont want to talk to them.. i wont try to make people like that understand because its pointless.
i do what i can to learn to cope better and deal with things.. and luckily i have an awesome woman by my side to help me through. but sometimes things just dont stay on the good side with my depression.. sometimes i fall on my face. sometimes i fall so far down it takes a while to climb out. i hate these feelings.. does anyone even understand how much i miss being able to work without fear of having a nervous breakdown or panic attack at work??? cause it has happened to me, and i am terrified of that happening again... sometimes i put my self down... because i feel like i should be stronger..but i try and try to over come everything.. its just not working.. dealing with the public is very very hard for me and it just keeps getting worse..i swear my anxiety just gets worse and worse.  

sighs