what a year this is turning out to be. while i have been excited since september about adopting my son. the new year hit and then my father was killed in a fire. trying to talk with family and dad nasty ass husband. i hate that man with a passion. it was stressful trying to come up with the money to pay for dads cremation. and dads husband being rude about only wanting money to go to him to pay for it. the fighting that went on and how him and my aunt made me feel like i was not an important person to my father. my best friend went with me to the funeral so i wouldnt be alone. my mom and sister and aunt drove down from michigan to be there as well. i was stared at by people who had no idea who i was or understood what i was feeling. i am sure that my dads husband had filled their heads with bullshit lies about me. the pastor was awesome made sure to let me know dad loved me and even joined a church choir to sing so he felt closer to me. i wish he would have told me.
before dad died, him and his husband was suppose to move down here in february. i was suppose to be able to help take care of dad. but his husband had another plan. he was stalling coming down here because he knew i would make sure my dad was taken care of the way he should have been this whole time. dads husband lied about how bad dads dementia was. he told the investigators dad only had some signs of dementia. dads dementia was bad. even the hospital last year said he had a year maybe a year and a half before he would have to be placed in a memory care unit. i hated thinking that dad was no longer an independant man. it has been hard not being about to have conversations with dad that made sense.
once the funeral was over angie and i started back home. then march started. i kept getting asked if i was excited that my son would be born soon. to which i answered of course i am. then the questions came asking me why i wasnt smiling and showing i was excited about keegan. problem was not being able to juggle the sadness and depression and anger about my fathers death and everything we knew at that point with being excited and happy about my son going to be making his entrance into this world. well before keegan made his arrival the dam virus started. and then there was a stay at home order. work was crazy busy and my leave of absence started two weeks late. we went to be induces on the 29th of march. because of the virus i couldnt go in until after he was born so then we could be placed in our own room. i waited 30 hours in the parking lot. to which i started freaking out because he was born in the middle of the night and i was made to wait til after noon to be able to finally meet my son.
then we get to april. autopsy report came. somethings were very upsetting. then dads birthday april 17th. when i found out how true it was the dads husband didnt care about anyone but himself. he deleted dads facebook where i posted to my dad to send him messages and pictures even though he cant read it anymore. its just how i talked to him. i sent him pictures of his grandson on there and told him how much i missed him and loved him and how he should be here to hold his grandson.
then my birthday came the next week. on that day i recieved the fire investigators report and there are things i was told by the investigator that wasnt on there and things i read that i didnt know that were very disturbing.
now we are into may. and the place i live i dont even know if its permanent now because the lady who owns the house is having issues getting the mortgage in her name.
im starting back to work on the weekend. and my protection order from my ex ends in a couple weeks. i just am tired. im depressed sometimes i feel a bit lost. i dont know how i should feel sometimes. i am really just needing some normal.
i need some happiness.
