so much

there is so much that is bugging me right now. how do you miss someone that abused you. you miss and still love someone who took advantage every chance they got. and was only there with you because they felt sorry for you and they made it absolutely clear that was why. but you miss that person? how? and you would rather miss them then the person who was there and took care of you and loved you. and was there because they loved you and not because they felt sorry for you. i was seriously living a lie for so long and it disgusts me. i am so angry about it. i have my step children and my grandkids in my life and that is all i am thankful for out of my last relationship. but now i could care less to meet someone new to be with ever because maybe they will lie to me for years too and i will end up losing all i have again and hurt like hell and not wanting to go on with life again. 
and how the hell do you get mad that your ex is close to your children and grandchildren? we were together for a long time. and everytime your children needed someone and called you, you pushed them to your ex for your ex to give the support so eventually they just stopped coming to you and started calling me to talk to because they knew i would be there. and guess what? I HAVE BEEN THERE. i have always been there. no matter what you said i would or wouldnt do. no matter how shitty you told them i am. no matter what you said about me. they knew better. 
i am laughing at the point that you want to go back to him. you have fun with that because he is in jail... and for what? oh yeah ummm assault on a female... hmmmm still abusing women. 
you are such a dumbass. i am seriously pissed off that you just wont ever get out of my head. or my heart. thats the worst part. is i actually gave you my heart thinking you would take care of it. i have never been so wrong in my life. i am still searching for all the pieces to put it back together. i really dont ever think i will find them all. so i hope you are happy with yourself. 
you have destroyed me my heart and really hurt me to the core. i really dont think you care at all. i was your way to survive in this world for many years. and i pushed you to get your ssi. so your fucking welcome. god i hate you. 

Dream life

People talk about living the dream. I hear the statement all the time. What is that? Is there ever a point where your just happy?

what do i do now

what do i do now? meaning what do i do when it has been a year and a half since i left my ex and i still hurt? how do i just move on. and is it dumb that i cant just move on even though i am the one who chose to leave. i was the one who tried to make things work and i am the one who had to end things. i had to walk away i had no choice. i really was dying. i wish that she understood that when i told her that it wasnt me trying to hurt her. it was me telling her i was dying because thats how i felt and she didnt seem to care that i was being honest and i mean completely honest with her and she just got mad and started to lash out more. which made me freak out and break down and then i just got in my truck and i left. no warning no packing of clothes. just got in my truck and started driving. i dont even remember the 3 and a half hour drive to my cousins house and i dont remember anything after getting to my cousins house and leaving 3 days later. i know i wasnt eating and i was barely drinking and i was still dying even more. so when i went to get my stuff and then drive back to the mountains. i slept in my truck for 12 days. i didnt eat and i still barely drank. my doctor almost put me in the hospital because of how dehydrated i got. you could see it by how dry my skin was. my ex found her way back here to the mountains and wanted to work things out and wanted to fix things so i agreed. but i wanted to get my own apartment and work on myself and our relationship but i needed space and that wasnt ok. i was accused of being with someone else and that i didnt love her enough. or i wouldnt want or need to get my own place for a while. i wanted us to go to couples therapy but she kept rejecting it. i knew things werent going to be the way they were before. but i hoped that we could make things work. the morning of august 25th 2017 at about 230am i was woke up. she tried to fight with me. she kept saying things knowing that normally i would get aggravated. but i was so tired of the same merry go round with all of it that i just layed there. i was tired. tired of life. i was tired of things never changing. i was tired of not being allowed to do anything like i was some prisoner. she threatened to kill me that morning and that was the last time i was dealing with her. i left a couple hours early for work to get away from the fighting and she kept texting and trying to call me. she eventually told me not to come back and we were done. i called my best friend who i barely got to hang out with. but she always came to my house to save me before i left my life in cullowhee. she would take me to the store and even buy everyone in the house coffee so i could get out of the house and be able to vent and have breathing space. my best friend without hesitation told me to come home. the only way i could respond was to cry more. because i really didnt think that would ever happen. i have never had a friend like this before. she has stuck through everything with me and never gave up on me. she has done way more for me then anyone else in my life has ever done. i never expected her to still be in my life and sometimes i feel like its too good to be true that she is still here being my best friend. claiming me as family. telling people i am her childrens god mother. i love her so much. not just for what she has done to help me but for who she is.
eventually i got a protective order against my ex. and here and there i have still spoke to her. but there was always so much anger and hatred that it never lasted long. i will love her forever. but me and her are not healthy together. we probably never were. but i loved her anyway and i always tried to make things work. it didnt and so 11 years in total is gone and i hate it because i feel like my life is half over and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i gave up everything i thought would be here for my entire life. i wish i could just get passed this all. :'(

closing doors

so many doors have closed and so many new ones opened. the changes have happened so much i feel like sometimes my head is spinning and i am not sure which direction to go. i miss the me that could just go do things and not worry and not panic. i miss the days that i didnt know i had alters so i didnt have to worry about them coming around and doing things that they shouldnt. i worry about how much me having DID stresses my best friend out. she has been there so much for me. she has saved me. and loved and supported me. i wish i could somehow pay her back for all she has done for me. i mean if not for her i would be dead. a year and a half ago i would have been dead. 
i left a relationship. and i thought i lost my grand children and step daughters. when in fact i didnt lose them i was just afraid of what they were going to say and i was afraid that their mother would make them hate me. i started a new job that i worked almost a year. i went from crew up to management within 7 months. i got really stressed and things went downhill at work. i started having a lot of panic attacks. i ended up putting my two weeks notice in and my boss was very unpleasant about things. my doctor pulled me out of work for the rest of my two week notice. i got a new job at walmart and so far i have loved it. i am happier. i feel better. i am enjoying it so far. too much i think sometimes. 
i have a lot of depression still. one thing is that my cousin passed away at the end of november and to suicide. i have been so angry. which i am sure never helped my anxiety, but it really got to me. my depression is like a dangerous roller coaster with no seatbelts. my appetite has been pretty much non existant. this has all been hard.