what do i do now

what do i do now? meaning what do i do when it has been a year and a half since i left my ex and i still hurt? how do i just move on. and is it dumb that i cant just move on even though i am the one who chose to leave. i was the one who tried to make things work and i am the one who had to end things. i had to walk away i had no choice. i really was dying. i wish that she understood that when i told her that it wasnt me trying to hurt her. it was me telling her i was dying because thats how i felt and she didnt seem to care that i was being honest and i mean completely honest with her and she just got mad and started to lash out more. which made me freak out and break down and then i just got in my truck and i left. no warning no packing of clothes. just got in my truck and started driving. i dont even remember the 3 and a half hour drive to my cousins house and i dont remember anything after getting to my cousins house and leaving 3 days later. i know i wasnt eating and i was barely drinking and i was still dying even more. so when i went to get my stuff and then drive back to the mountains. i slept in my truck for 12 days. i didnt eat and i still barely drank. my doctor almost put me in the hospital because of how dehydrated i got. you could see it by how dry my skin was. my ex found her way back here to the mountains and wanted to work things out and wanted to fix things so i agreed. but i wanted to get my own apartment and work on myself and our relationship but i needed space and that wasnt ok. i was accused of being with someone else and that i didnt love her enough. or i wouldnt want or need to get my own place for a while. i wanted us to go to couples therapy but she kept rejecting it. i knew things werent going to be the way they were before. but i hoped that we could make things work. the morning of august 25th 2017 at about 230am i was woke up. she tried to fight with me. she kept saying things knowing that normally i would get aggravated. but i was so tired of the same merry go round with all of it that i just layed there. i was tired. tired of life. i was tired of things never changing. i was tired of not being allowed to do anything like i was some prisoner. she threatened to kill me that morning and that was the last time i was dealing with her. i left a couple hours early for work to get away from the fighting and she kept texting and trying to call me. she eventually told me not to come back and we were done. i called my best friend who i barely got to hang out with. but she always came to my house to save me before i left my life in cullowhee. she would take me to the store and even buy everyone in the house coffee so i could get out of the house and be able to vent and have breathing space. my best friend without hesitation told me to come home. the only way i could respond was to cry more. because i really didnt think that would ever happen. i have never had a friend like this before. she has stuck through everything with me and never gave up on me. she has done way more for me then anyone else in my life has ever done. i never expected her to still be in my life and sometimes i feel like its too good to be true that she is still here being my best friend. claiming me as family. telling people i am her childrens god mother. i love her so much. not just for what she has done to help me but for who she is.
eventually i got a protective order against my ex. and here and there i have still spoke to her. but there was always so much anger and hatred that it never lasted long. i will love her forever. but me and her are not healthy together. we probably never were. but i loved her anyway and i always tried to make things work. it didnt and so 11 years in total is gone and i hate it because i feel like my life is half over and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i gave up everything i thought would be here for my entire life. i wish i could just get passed this all. :'(