so much

there is so much that is bugging me right now. how do you miss someone that abused you. you miss and still love someone who took advantage every chance they got. and was only there with you because they felt sorry for you and they made it absolutely clear that was why. but you miss that person? how? and you would rather miss them then the person who was there and took care of you and loved you. and was there because they loved you and not because they felt sorry for you. i was seriously living a lie for so long and it disgusts me. i am so angry about it. i have my step children and my grandkids in my life and that is all i am thankful for out of my last relationship. but now i could care less to meet someone new to be with ever because maybe they will lie to me for years too and i will end up losing all i have again and hurt like hell and not wanting to go on with life again. 
and how the hell do you get mad that your ex is close to your children and grandchildren? we were together for a long time. and everytime your children needed someone and called you, you pushed them to your ex for your ex to give the support so eventually they just stopped coming to you and started calling me to talk to because they knew i would be there. and guess what? I HAVE BEEN THERE. i have always been there. no matter what you said i would or wouldnt do. no matter how shitty you told them i am. no matter what you said about me. they knew better. 
i am laughing at the point that you want to go back to him. you have fun with that because he is in jail... and for what? oh yeah ummm assault on a female... hmmmm still abusing women. 
you are such a dumbass. i am seriously pissed off that you just wont ever get out of my head. or my heart. thats the worst part. is i actually gave you my heart thinking you would take care of it. i have never been so wrong in my life. i am still searching for all the pieces to put it back together. i really dont ever think i will find them all. so i hope you are happy with yourself. 
you have destroyed me my heart and really hurt me to the core. i really dont think you care at all. i was your way to survive in this world for many years. and i pushed you to get your ssi. so your fucking welcome. god i hate you.