Saturday, August 30, 2014

taking things for granted....

how many people take things for granted??? its easy to not be thankful for things when you have them and use them everyday... be it, hot water or even toilet paper... what about having a car? or having a roof over your head? or what about access to take a shower when ever you want one, or a way to wash your clothes, how about ways to cook your food?? how many take these things for granted? i know there are a lot of people. we lived without a lot of things before and we learned not to take things for granted. we learned to not take anything for granted.. because as quick as you get things they can be taken away,  be greatful for the things you have oh and the people you have in your life that are good to you and help you and want to be there.. be thankful for their love and dont take them for granted either because just as easily as they walk in your life they can turn right around and walk right back out...

is it time yet?

ugh waiting sucks lol.. i am so ready to see you walking down the isle towards me and we can say i do.. i love you so much its driving me crazy that the same sex marriage legalization is taking so long. i want to spend the rest of my life with you, and i will regardless of getting married but i want to marry you if they legalize marriage for us, i want to have a wedding and share with all our friends and family and even everyone we dont know how much i love you and how happy you make me. i cant wait to sing to you on our wedding day, i dont know exactly what our future holds exept that we are together and making great memories and loving each other more and more every day.. 
you are amazing patty, i have made a lot of mistakes over the years, but i can guarentee this, i will never make the mistake of leaving you again, it hurt so bad not having you around, i missed curling up to you when i was away from you, our wedding day just needs to get here, because sharing how i feel about you in front of the entire world is what i want to do, 
i love you with all my heart 
and i am always here. 


how is one suppose to feel when you tell someone over and over again, we are here if you need to talk, they dont talk to you still but then tell someone else they have no one to talk to. i guess we are just chopped liver.. eh.. we tried, not pushing that issue anymore, it will be ok, dont worry about it, we just feel like shit because we are here and have said we are here but apparently we are invisible and our words mean jack shit.

a little frustrated

i wish life didnt revolve around money, but mostly i wish that people wouldnt take things for granted... life is not easy and its not getting an easier.. so we dont have money to go spend and waste but atleast we have a roof over our head and oh wait air conditioning.. which many people who cant afford things dont have.. internet to talk to people or write in a blog like this one.. we have cable to watch tv on but you know we dont live in a beautiful home and we dont have a car, so things are a little harder, i hate that there are labels out there for everything.. POOR, please define poor but a lot of people say they are poor and they are able to buy things that are not necessities... cigarettes are a want not a need, cable and internet are wants not needs, air conditioning you can live with out, but we have it, i understand the stress and frustration about money being tight and WANTING to go and do things and what not, believe me if anyone knows its me.  but shit doesnt happen over night, we are picking pieces up right now. we are getting to a place where we are more comfortable but we are not poor and things will continue to get better, how do i know this??? because at the beginning of october we will have one less bill, oh well none of that matters!!!

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

my beautiful baby

i love you baby so much, i have so many dreams for us for the future... so many things i want us to do together, so many places i want us to go together, i cant imagine anything about my life without you by my side.. you are my heart, i look forward to growing old with you, but i dont want life to go to fast i  want us to last as long as possible..... i love you baby, never forget that, through fights and all, i love you, i hate going anywhere without you because i always miss you so much when i am gone... i love waking up to you next to me and kissing you before we go to sleep, i love when you grab me and just pull me to you because you want a hug or a kiss... i just love everything about you...  you are my beautiful wife to be and i cant wait to share your last name <3

Monday, August 25, 2014


rough much on my mind. so many thoughts at once.. one minute my head is spinning and next thing i feel like i am watching myself from across the room again... i hate this disconnected feeling.. i hate feeling like i am watching a movie of myself. and i cant control what is going on.. its hard to feel ok when this happens. so much i shouldnt be thinking about.. so much stress that i feel that i cant stop. i want things to be calm and peaceful in my head again.. this is crazy. my dreams are crazy. or im disconnected enough that even though i am sleeping i am also sitting on the end of the bed watching myself sleep. my dreams are all these flash backs. of all the abuse..or fears of certain people who have threatened or i think have wanted to hurt me.. or they are dreams about me going in to self destruction anyways all my dreams lately consist of is blood, my blood. its a horror movie of my own death over and over and over again.. i am beginning to hate sleep. i dont like watching myself die.. so counseling today went ok i guess. accept she thinks i need to come in and see her more so i have another appointment next week too and she says i will be getting a phone call sometime in between to check on me. i really wish mental health disorders would just disappear.. i am tired of dealing with them. i am also tired of coming across people who dont understand and dont want to take the time to understand but instead judge you and think because i dont look like a disabled person i should suck it up and get a job.. my question to these types of people is what exactly does a disabled person look like in there eyes? is it just someone who is blind or cant walk? or someone without legs or arms?? yes those people as well have disabilities but just because you cant look at me and see that i am disabled doesnt mean shit.. if you havent been around me and you dont know me at all what gives you the right to say a fuckin thing about me needing to suck it up.. apparently depression and anxiety and panic attacks are just that easy in their eyes to just get over.. well lucky them that they havent had to personally deal with it.. until they know what it feels like to go through shit that us mental health clients go through... i dont want to talk to them.. i wont try to make people like that understand because its pointless.
i do what i can to learn to cope better and deal with things.. and luckily i have an awesome woman by my side to help me through. but sometimes things just dont stay on the good side with my depression.. sometimes i fall on my face. sometimes i fall so far down it takes a while to climb out. i hate these feelings.. does anyone even understand how much i miss being able to work without fear of having a nervous breakdown or panic attack at work??? cause it has happened to me, and i am terrified of that happening again... sometimes i put my self down... because i feel like i should be stronger..but i try and try to over come everything.. its just not working.. dealing with the public is very very hard for me and it just keeps getting worse..i swear my anxiety just gets worse and worse.  


depression and horrible thoughts.

so its been about 5 years since my last hospital stay. depression and suicidal thoughts have left my brain for a long time. and now all of a sudden they have snuck back in.. i wont give in like i have in the past. i have to much to live for. i have people in my life who i know would be very upset if i wasnt here anymore. my wife to be especially would miss me and be very angry as well if i just left her here. i would never want to do that.. i got mad at myself when i realized something i said and realize that i need to address things before it gets any worse. im glad i am around people who understand mental health more then in my past. i wish there was a cure for mental health disorders. i hate that i can have this long period where i am ok other than my anxiety and then bam suicidal thoughts hit me like a brick. and when that happens all i feel like doing is screaming at these thoughts to go away but that doesnt work. i have also felt like isolating alot lately. but i have made myself stay around everyone and try to ignore that feeling.. i know if i give in to that i will only get worse. i havent remembered meds in so long i dont remember when the last time i took them was. i know i need them.. but sometimes i just dont care to take them or i dont remember or i remember for aminute and then i forget all over again because i get distracted with something else.. i am so scatter brained. my dreams are the worst. if i am not being hurt by someone else in my dreams i am hurting myself lately.. my dreams are nothing but blood and gore and the only persons that is bleeding is me. its hard to wake up and pretend i am ok with that happening. but i try. i dont want to sit and talk about those dreams and those kind of things when i am awake because i know it will just bring me down more.. so i sit here at mental health waiting for my appointment with my counselor and i try not to cry because for some reason my emotions are going crazy and i keep wanting to cry but i am fighting it back..
you know i think the ice bucket challenge for ALS is great but why cant we somehow do a challenge for mental health awareness? so many people suffer with mental health disorders its crazy.. i think it would be great to raise awareness and educate others that dont know much or dont understand mental health stuff. if people that dont have mental health issues could understand some of these disorders it would make things a little easier on us that do suffer because then we would have people that somewhat can understand and not just tell us to get over it or suck it up..
i also think that there should be something for bullying. how  many students have or have wanted to or have tried to kill themselves because of bullies at school that pick on them or make them feel like they dont belong and stuff. how many kids have or have wanted to end their life because it just keeps happening and some schools or other places it happens arent taking stuff like this seriously? no kid should feel that way. i went through it. a lot of my friends went through it. my grandson sam has dealt with bullies choking him on the bus or giving him problems in school and then teachers didnt want to listen to him when he tried to tell them.. i have grandkids with my fiance, and i dont want to see them do something to hurt themselves because of bullying in the schools.
i have so many ideas for things for bring awareness out about stuff. but where do i start? and how do i get started?

missing you, loving you so much

i miss you so much through the day, i know you need your sleep and i am glad you are getting  rest, but i just miss you, i miss talking to you and seeing your beautiful smile. i know i will see you when you wake up but right now you are sleeping lol i love you so much, maybe i am greedy and want every second with you. but its only because i love you so much, right now i am not at home and all i can do is sit here and wonder if you will wake up before i get home and i will miss that first morning hug when you come out to the living room. you are my everything, my all. i always want to be with you and have fun with you or sit and talk about whatever serious or silly or crazy things we decide to focus on at that moment. i cant wait to buy a house with you, which will hopefully be sooner then later, i cant wait to marry you, and share your last name. all these things i cant for because i am so excited for us to be spending our lives together, i know i have been stressed out lately and somewhat depressed, but i am really working on it. i wont let it win with me. its been too long that i have been doing so good to let myself fall again. and i know that you will support me and be here for me to get through it too. i cant express enough that you patty have brought out so much good in me. so we have had our fights and right now we struggle with things here and there, but through it all i believe our love for one another is strong enough to kick any struggle in the ass. which makes me happy. any one i have been with in the past i always when i am with someone i think about and try to imagine spending my entire life with, none of them i could ever imagine being with that long.. you... well you i cant imagine living my life without you in it.. i need you by my side. i need to feel your love, i need those moments you hold me or roll over in bed and see me sitting up and you rub my back and ask if i am ok.. i need all those things. you make me feel important. you make me feel needed and wanted and special.. something no one else has ever done.
i cant wait til our wedding day, i am going to sing to you at our wedding. and i cant wait to invite tons of people so i can express my love for you in front of them all, i would tell the whole world if i could, because you make me feel like i have never felt before. thank you for bring me happiness and always knowing how to make me feel so special.
love you baby so much.

make it stop spinning

didnt realize it but i guess my depression is sneaking up on me  alot lately. i have said cerain things and thought way to much about things i dont need to think about.. im stressed out and i want things to calm down but there not or so it seems. im so overwhelmed lately, i have no desire to do anything, i want to hide in my room and just be with my fiance and forget about the rest of the world right now.. i am so lost in why i feel this way. im tired of being stuck in this house, i cant take her anywhere. we dont get to go enjoy ourselves outside of this house, and i really think its taking a toll on me. there is so much i want to say and talk about but no words are coming to mind, i dont know how to explains a lot of my feelings and thoughts. the feeling of being disconnected again is slowly coming in. its messed up when you feel like you are watching yourself do all this stuff like seeing my self sitting in my chair and watching myself type this blog right now.. its a weird feeling. i just feel so blah lately, it sucks because there are so many things i would like to do with my fiance, but i just feel like shit all the time. im tired all the time and i dont sleep good anymore, my dreams are stupid and ridiculous and it drives me crazy, but i try to not talk about all the craziness when i am sleeping. even though... at times it scares the hell out of me.
i dont really understand why my ex's are still in my brain.. i am not talking about my recent ex. i am talking about a few ex's a long time ago. why wont they stay away? they need to leave me alone, i dont think about them, or i try not to, i hate flashbacks and reliving stuff that hurt so bad,
i dont even know what to say now, i am now at a loss for words
good night

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

we are connected now :D

so glad me and my beautiful fiance can do so much together, i love being with her, and i cant wait til they legalize same sex marriage so we can say i do. i do know its just a piece of paper but i really want to do this.. i hope that i can make my fiance happy for many many many years to come.. all i want is to grow old with her. be here to take care of her. make sure she is ok and has what she needs, as well as things she wants. i love you patricia with my whole butt... i would say heart but my butt is bigger lol love you baby


I love you!