Monday, August 25, 2014

depression and horrible thoughts.

so its been about 5 years since my last hospital stay. depression and suicidal thoughts have left my brain for a long time. and now all of a sudden they have snuck back in.. i wont give in like i have in the past. i have to much to live for. i have people in my life who i know would be very upset if i wasnt here anymore. my wife to be especially would miss me and be very angry as well if i just left her here. i would never want to do that.. i got mad at myself when i realized something i said and realize that i need to address things before it gets any worse. im glad i am around people who understand mental health more then in my past. i wish there was a cure for mental health disorders. i hate that i can have this long period where i am ok other than my anxiety and then bam suicidal thoughts hit me like a brick. and when that happens all i feel like doing is screaming at these thoughts to go away but that doesnt work. i have also felt like isolating alot lately. but i have made myself stay around everyone and try to ignore that feeling.. i know if i give in to that i will only get worse. i havent remembered meds in so long i dont remember when the last time i took them was. i know i need them.. but sometimes i just dont care to take them or i dont remember or i remember for aminute and then i forget all over again because i get distracted with something else.. i am so scatter brained. my dreams are the worst. if i am not being hurt by someone else in my dreams i am hurting myself lately.. my dreams are nothing but blood and gore and the only persons that is bleeding is me. its hard to wake up and pretend i am ok with that happening. but i try. i dont want to sit and talk about those dreams and those kind of things when i am awake because i know it will just bring me down more.. so i sit here at mental health waiting for my appointment with my counselor and i try not to cry because for some reason my emotions are going crazy and i keep wanting to cry but i am fighting it back..
you know i think the ice bucket challenge for ALS is great but why cant we somehow do a challenge for mental health awareness? so many people suffer with mental health disorders its crazy.. i think it would be great to raise awareness and educate others that dont know much or dont understand mental health stuff. if people that dont have mental health issues could understand some of these disorders it would make things a little easier on us that do suffer because then we would have people that somewhat can understand and not just tell us to get over it or suck it up..
i also think that there should be something for bullying. how  many students have or have wanted to or have tried to kill themselves because of bullies at school that pick on them or make them feel like they dont belong and stuff. how many kids have or have wanted to end their life because it just keeps happening and some schools or other places it happens arent taking stuff like this seriously? no kid should feel that way. i went through it. a lot of my friends went through it. my grandson sam has dealt with bullies choking him on the bus or giving him problems in school and then teachers didnt want to listen to him when he tried to tell them.. i have grandkids with my fiance, and i dont want to see them do something to hurt themselves because of bullying in the schools.
i have so many ideas for things for bring awareness out about stuff. but where do i start? and how do i get started?

4 comments:

  1. Bullying is the reason we're home schooling the kids. My son was picked on so bad but they would tell us it was his fault he was making "bad choices" umm excuse me but there's kids picking on him and its his fault??? I dont think so. Then the principal said she made a deal with my son if he promised he wouldnt talk about hurting himself she wouldnt tell us!!!! This is what wrong with the world

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  2. Such good Ideas, I wished i know what to do to help you figure out idea, and as far as you feeling depressed please always remember i am here for you, you can talk to me whenever and about anything, I love you!

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    1. i love you baby. i know i can talk to you. and thank you for always being here for me.. i wish these feelings wouldnt have even come up..i have done so good for so long... sighs... makes me very sad

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