Wednesday, August 10, 2011

dreams - talk of god - sexual abuse

im so tired of these dreams. i hated texas why does it keep haunting me. its driving me crazy. all the things that happened down there were pure evil. the people in that so called organization were cruel and just plain mean. they wanted to brain wash us and make us people we are not. the so called prayer groups were horrible. this place turned me totally away from god and any church that i would ever even think about going to. i dont like going to churches for help for anything anymore. i dont want to hear about it. it hurts too much. it brings up too many memories.
the so called safe house was in such a horrible place. i would go out to smoke and find shot gun shells all over the place. we were in a womens safe house. so you tell me why was there a guy living with us? very creepy. they hardly ever fed us. i lived on peanut butter sandwiches most the time i lived there. and when it came my turn for them to "pray" for me. i ended up drenched. they drowned me with water until i was in tears. i even got angry and called them all assholes and told them to fuck off and leave me alone. they only said that was a demon talking to them and i needed to quit protecting the demons that lived in me and let them out so they could get rid of them. the girl i stayed with we shared a room. she was nice. but had been in their care for way to long. i felt for her. and wanted to take her with me when i left. her name was kimi. she still resides in texas but did get away from them. she now has a daughter and a husband. i still talk to her. we have become close friends. before we never trusted each other. there was something about her before... i dont know if it was the brain washing that turned me away from her or what there was just something about her i didnt trust. Now she is much different. and i am glad.
One day i was outside smoking walking around trying to get away from all the krap in that house. i was jumped by i think it was like 5  or 6 guys. drug to an apartment and raped by each and every one of them. i thought honestly that they would kill me afterwards. i hate going anywhere alone anymore. and if you didnt understand why before then i hope you  do now. i hate going places alone. it terrifies me. the pain i felt was so bad. i went through abuse with my ex and been raped before but the pain they put me through in texas made me wish i was still getting abused by my ex still because it didnt hurt as bad with him as it did with these guys.
i feel so sick to my stomach right now. thinking about all this has me so upset. i know that it needs to come out. i never talk about how i am feeling. i know i need to but its so hard sometimes. i dont want to show the way i am feeling a lot of times. i hate feeling that i am going to upset someone else. i just want to be free of all this krap. i hate the nightmares. i hate feeling like this. i just want it to go away.
i gotta go.

No comments:

Post a Comment