i wish

i wish....
everything would start to look up for us.
the van would run and quit having problems.
i could get pregnant or go to school which ever comes first.
we could move and get a place and be happy with no drama and no problems from anyone.
i wasnt so anxious when trying to work...
i could make everyone happy but i just cant


just a few things i wish for. i also wish our luck was better then it was. considering that things start to look up for us then we fall flat on our faces again. we cant seem to win.
im so looking forward to starting school but i really more then anything want to start a family with Patty and Lawrence. i know that if i could give anything to them a child would be one good thing to make them happy. Patty has wanted another child and Lawrence wants to start a family just as much as i do. I so look forward to raising a child with them. I know that together we can raise a child that would obey and listen and be happy and have fun. we would have a beautiful smart child that would have so much support and we would love that child with everything we have. will it ever happen? well with my medical problems i dont know but i am certainly trying my hardest.
school.... well i would be happy going to school... maybe. i cant say for sure.. i hate being away from my home life. i love patty and lawrence with everything in me. i will give them anything i can. i will do anything to make them happy. thats why i like being home. but i also know that being in school and being able to get a decent job would make more much more then disability and i think if i got into something besides fast food i would make it atleast longer then i have in other jobs.
i love spending time with Patty. Lawrence isnt home much with work and his mom not being in good health he is gone quite a bit. but i understand he has to work and that his mom needs him too. i wish his family would understand that we need him too. and only seeing him one day a week is really hard on us and the relationship. i dont care if they dont approve of our relationship we are happy and thats what matters. Lawrence keeps bringing up getting married but i dont know about all that. i really want to marry Patty one day. i want her to be my wife. and i want her to know that i am really going to be here for the long hall. i am never going to leave her again. i was so stupid to leave the first time. i hated leaving the first time. but its what i felt was right. now i know to fight for what and who i love. i love lawrence and i love patty. but if lawrence ever wanted to leave patty he better want to leave me too cause i am never leaving her side again....
i dont say that to put lawrence down because believe me i love lawrence too but my soulmate is patty. we belong together.
i hope that everything i said makes sense because its how i feel.
i know i get depressed a lot about not having a baby like i would like to have. but if i cant get pregnant then i will look into adoption because i know i was meant to be a mother if not to my own blood than a little one that needs a loving family will have one. because i will be there real quick to adopt that special little child because there are many babies and toddlers and even teenagers that need a loving caring home with parents that want to be there for them.
well i think i have said enough. i love you Patty and I love you Lawrence. i will talk to you all more later.
hugs to all who read this!