what do i do now

what do i do now? meaning what do i do when it has been a year and a half since i left my ex and i still hurt? how do i just move on. and is it dumb that i cant just move on even though i am the one who chose to leave. i was the one who tried to make things work and i am the one who had to end things. i had to walk away i had no choice. i really was dying. i wish that she understood that when i told her that it wasnt me trying to hurt her. it was me telling her i was dying because thats how i felt and she didnt seem to care that i was being honest and i mean completely honest with her and she just got mad and started to lash out more. which made me freak out and break down and then i just got in my truck and i left. no warning no packing of clothes. just got in my truck and started driving. i dont even remember the 3 and a half hour drive to my cousins house and i dont remember anything after getting to my cousins house and leaving 3 days later. i know i wasnt eating and i was barely drinking and i was still dying even more. so when i went to get my stuff and then drive back to the mountains. i slept in my truck for 12 days. i didnt eat and i still barely drank. my doctor almost put me in the hospital because of how dehydrated i got. you could see it by how dry my skin was. my ex found her way back here to the mountains and wanted to work things out and wanted to fix things so i agreed. but i wanted to get my own apartment and work on myself and our relationship but i needed space and that wasnt ok. i was accused of being with someone else and that i didnt love her enough. or i wouldnt want or need to get my own place for a while. i wanted us to go to couples therapy but she kept rejecting it. i knew things werent going to be the way they were before. but i hoped that we could make things work. the morning of august 25th 2017 at about 230am i was woke up. she tried to fight with me. she kept saying things knowing that normally i would get aggravated. but i was so tired of the same merry go round with all of it that i just layed there. i was tired. tired of life. i was tired of things never changing. i was tired of not being allowed to do anything like i was some prisoner. she threatened to kill me that morning and that was the last time i was dealing with her. i left a couple hours early for work to get away from the fighting and she kept texting and trying to call me. she eventually told me not to come back and we were done. i called my best friend who i barely got to hang out with. but she always came to my house to save me before i left my life in cullowhee. she would take me to the store and even buy everyone in the house coffee so i could get out of the house and be able to vent and have breathing space. my best friend without hesitation told me to come home. the only way i could respond was to cry more. because i really didnt think that would ever happen. i have never had a friend like this before. she has stuck through everything with me and never gave up on me. she has done way more for me then anyone else in my life has ever done. i never expected her to still be in my life and sometimes i feel like its too good to be true that she is still here being my best friend. claiming me as family. telling people i am her childrens god mother. i love her so much. not just for what she has done to help me but for who she is.
eventually i got a protective order against my ex. and here and there i have still spoke to her. but there was always so much anger and hatred that it never lasted long. i will love her forever. but me and her are not healthy together. we probably never were. but i loved her anyway and i always tried to make things work. it didnt and so 11 years in total is gone and i hate it because i feel like my life is half over and i have nothing to show for it. i feel like i gave up everything i thought would be here for my entire life. i wish i could just get passed this all. :'(

closing doors

so many doors have closed and so many new ones opened. the changes have happened so much i feel like sometimes my head is spinning and i am not sure which direction to go. i miss the me that could just go do things and not worry and not panic. i miss the days that i didnt know i had alters so i didnt have to worry about them coming around and doing things that they shouldnt. i worry about how much me having DID stresses my best friend out. she has been there so much for me. she has saved me. and loved and supported me. i wish i could somehow pay her back for all she has done for me. i mean if not for her i would be dead. a year and a half ago i would have been dead. 
i left a relationship. and i thought i lost my grand children and step daughters. when in fact i didnt lose them i was just afraid of what they were going to say and i was afraid that their mother would make them hate me. i started a new job that i worked almost a year. i went from crew up to management within 7 months. i got really stressed and things went downhill at work. i started having a lot of panic attacks. i ended up putting my two weeks notice in and my boss was very unpleasant about things. my doctor pulled me out of work for the rest of my two week notice. i got a new job at walmart and so far i have loved it. i am happier. i feel better. i am enjoying it so far. too much i think sometimes. 
i have a lot of depression still. one thing is that my cousin passed away at the end of november and to suicide. i have been so angry. which i am sure never helped my anxiety, but it really got to me. my depression is like a dangerous roller coaster with no seatbelts. my appetite has been pretty much non existant. this has all been hard. 

Feeling of belonging

What do you do in those moments you feel like you dont belong? I hate it. I have no place. I don't have a permanent place. I have no where that I can just say is my space. It makes me emotional as fuck. But I don't feel like this all the time. Just every now and then. Like right now. And I just want to take my blanket and go sleep in the truck because that is the only place I can say is mine. Sighs. I feel like I'm alone when there are plenty of people in the room. But are they acknowledging me? No. It's like I'm invisible. I hate it. I want to be wanted and needed. I need to feel important but I'm not. Not sure I ever will be and I'm sure I'll feel better or different tomorrow but right now I feel like this. Ugh.

Frustrated

I'm seriously tired of the negative bullshit. Alot is changing at work and nobody likes it. But to come into work and have this fucked up attitude and bring everyone down around you with your shit energy is wrong. This are what you make it . I don't like the changes at work well some of them. But I suck it up and roll with the punches and make the best out of it. And why? Because what else can I do? Should everyday be miserable because things aren't going my way or I think they should be different. And if your so unhappy find another job. Jesus. People we are grown ass adults let's act like it

Feelings

Seriously feel like I take up space. Seriously just need a break. I need to be able to think straight. But who am I kidding. Only myself. I have too many scrambled thoughts. Nothing seems to go right. I'm so tired of trying so hard and feeling like I'm not going anywhere still. I feel like I'm in the way. All the time. I don't have a place where I am just completely comfortable all the time. Stability is lacking in my life. I have stability in my job I think. But that's it. And that seems rocky too alot. I feel like people are nice to my face but I only have one friend. I feel alone. Everybody has their kids or their significant other. Then there is me. No one with no one. I'm just me. Alone and not of importance to people. I am trying so hard to come out on top. But I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I just want to scream sometimes. I don't know what to do or where to go. Sighs I'm lost.......

So the last year has been alot of adjustment. Learning how to live again. Learning how to enjoy things again. Learning how to smile a real smile again. There has been lots of emotions flying lots of ups and downs. I feel like I'm learning myself all over again. I'm living with my best friend. She has been my rock. I couldn't have made it to where I am without her love and support she truly is what defines a best friend. She never gave up on me and never let me down. She has done way more then anyone has ever done for me as a friend. Her kids have helped me too. My god babies. I love them so much. They have given me purpose too. They also wonder where the heck I am if I haven't been home in a while. Was told I was never aloud to leave that I could go for a while but I have to come back. I think the hardest part has been missing my grandsons. And being told I am not their nana anymore. It hurts alot. But my god kids I know will never be ripped from me. 
Life is full of lessons. Obstacles. Twists and turns. It changes when you least expect it. I have been on disability since 2009 and I'm a certified manager at mcdonalds again and working full time. Hope it works so I can stay and maybe eventually be able to get off ssd. But I'm tryin to take things slowly and make sure I can handle it. 
My life has been flipped and twisted in every direction and I can finally say I am in a good place. 

coming back to write

havent wrote here in a good while.. havent been sure what to say. or if it mattered.. i want write more, but i get so lost in my thoughts anymore and then everything seems to jumble together and nothing makes sense... there is so much i am trying to grasp with my mental health, so many new things that i dont understand, its so much different dealing with things about me rather then knowing enough and being a support system for someone else.. its so confusing for me right now.. trying to figure out myself, and i know people see that something is bugging me but to ask me whats wrong and want me to answer. i wish i could i just dont have words to explain. im just not sure, i feel lost and overwhelmed. i feel like my head is in this fog, i just want to understand. when i black out i have no idea what happens, unless i am told and sometimes i dont have the option that someone can tell me, like driving home alone and blacking out part way through the drive home, knowing i stopped at the gas station because i had new pack of smokes in the car but dont remember stopping and going in... i just wish i could remember. i know there are things i have blocked out in my life, a lot of things have happened to me, and some i know i dont remember. because i have had certain things come back in dreams, just bits and pieces nothing i can piece together yet. i guess just a lot to process all at once... 

so confused right now... 

sighs